“Just be yourself” is one of those phrases that belong in the Hall of Fame of clichéd advice.
Struggling with life? Frustrated with your career? Settling for less in your dating and relationships? The common suggestion is that you should “be yourself” and, magically, you’ll do just fine.
False.
In reality, “being yourself” seriously limits your results and stunts your personal development and growth. I’ll explain why this advice holds you back, exactly who you should “be” instead, and the simple steps to become that person so you can reap all the benefits. Here’s how:
Why “Being Yourself” Holds You Back
There’s a lot of codewords that mean the same thing as “just be yourself:”
- “Be true to yourself.”
- “Do what speaks to you.”
- “Do what feels right.”
On the surface, it seems like nice advice to trust yourself and your instincts; but in reality, it reinforces a fixed mindset, entrenches you in your current situation, and justifies your personality and results in life:
People believe they have an “authentic” self — their “truth” — which is who they should be true to… This line of thinking leads people to saying things like, “I need to be true to myself. I shouldn’t have to deny myself of how I’m feeling. I shouldn’t have to lie to myself. I should be able to do what feels right to me.” Although well-meaning, this thinking reflects a fixed mindset… I know many people who now, as maturing adults, are choosing limiting lives in the name of “authenticity” and being “real” with themselves.
— Dr. Benjamin Hardy
This begs the question: What if “yourself” has poor, self-destructive traits? Or at a less-extreme level, what if “yourself” is awkward, boring, or unambitious? Then, you probably shouldn’t be yourself because, if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get the results you’ve always gotten.
For example, 12 years ago, I would’ve described myself as introverted, socially awkward, skinny, resentful, and angry. (Sure, I had positive qualities too, but those negative adjectives were pretty damn accurate.)
If I just tried to “be myself,” I would’ve never made any effort to change. Instead, I would’ve clung to the life I had—and kept repeating the same mistakes and patterns—rather than abandon it for a better life. I would’ve never worked to transform my personality and I would’ve blocked my own progress and growth:
If authenticity is the value you prize most in life, there’s a danger that you’ll stunt your own development. When I was in grad school, a friend asked me to give a guest lecture for her class. I was terrified of public speaking, but I wanted to be helpful, so I agreed… It was brutal. One student wrote that I was so nervous I was causing the whole class to physically shake in their seats. My authentic self was not a fan of public speaking. But I started volunteering to give more guest lectures, knowing it was the only way to get better. I wasn’t being true to myself, I was being true to the self I wanted to become.”
— Adam Grant, Ph.D.
“Being yourself” doesn’t show you how to achieve what you want and it doesn’t motivate you to reach beyond your comfort zone and try new strategies. (Thankfully, even 21-year-old Anthony knew “being yourself” was shitty advice so he actually worked to improve himself.)
Finally, the fact is who you “are” actually depends on your context: Your personality reflects your environment and its norms, rules, traditions, expectations, and more. Thus, “being yourself” is meaningless because “yourself” isn’t static—it’s always evolving even if you feel the same.
Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished. The person you are right now is as transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you’ve ever been. The one constant in our lives is change.”
— Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D.
At this point, some of you might be thinking, “Well, if you don’t want me to be myself, then do you want me to be someone else?”
Not quite.
Instead of telling you to “be yourself,” here’s some far better life advice:
Be the person you want to be.
Who is your dream self? What are they doing? How are they living? It’s infinitely more powerful to be this person through your behaviors and actions than to “be yourself” and cement your current way of life. Best of all, once you become the person you want to be, you’ll have all the things you want to have.
Here’s how to become this person:
How to Become the Person You Want to Be
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.
— Carl Jung
Step 1: Define Your Ideal Life
Many people have no idea what they want. They might say a few clichéd things like “be happy,” “travel,” “retire early,” etc., but their goals are vague (at best) or things that other people told them to want (at worst).
Instead, define what you want and be very specific. Try describing your ideal life: What’s your ideal relationship partner like? What’s your ideal career? What’s your ideal lifestyle? Be detailed and think about what you really want, not what you think you should want.
The point of this exercise isn’t to make it happen with 100% accuracy; the point is to understand what is important to you and give you direction.
Step 2: Be Honest With Yourself
Answer this question: Based on who you are at this very moment, can you achieve this ideal lifestyle?
Yes or no. (No “maybe.”) Can you honestly achieve your ideal life based on where you are right now?
For many people, the answer will be a difficult, “No.” For many people, they’ll see a huge gap between “who they currently are” and “their dream life.”
Step 3: Become The Person Of Your Dreams
It took me years to understand this powerful lesson:
The best way to get the life of your dreams is to become the person of your dreams.
Many people only focus on getting what they want without realizing that every journey starts from within. As a result, they do nothing to improve, which is the equivalent of saying, “I want my dream life, but I don’t want to do anything differently to get it.”
Instead, define who you have to be in order to achieve your ideal life. This step is the most important of all. What are your values? What personality do you need to have? What are you working on? How do you take care of yourself? Be very detailed.
Life is a movie: You’re the director and you write the script. You decide who you’re going to be. If you’re struggling in life and upset with your lack of results, what are you going to do about it?
Yes, it’s hard work to become this person. Yes, there’s no guarantee you’ll get exactly what you want. But as you work on yourself, improve yourself, and become the person you want to be, the odds you’ll achieve your dream life will skyrocket — and you’ll know you manifested it.
So stop “being yourself” and start “being your dream self.”
Your dream life awaits.
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