When it comes to confidence, there are several tiny things that can sabotage the way you feel about yourself—no matter how confident you think you are.
While these habits might seem insignificant in the moment, when you constantly do them over weeks, months, and years, they add up tremendously and can make a massive difference in how the world perceives you.
Here are seven critical habits to eliminate from your life that I’ve learned the hard way. Once you get rid of them and learn better behaviors, you’ll be able to watch your confidence grow quickly:
1. Poor Eye Contact
Eye contact is the strongest indicator of confidence: It creates trust, builds connections, shows sincerity, signals higher self-esteem, and is associated with greater leadership and intelligence.
Poor eye contact, however, does the complete opposite.
That’s why it’s critical to look people directly in their eyes when talking or listening. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but practice. (You don’t, however, need to stare at people and never break eye contact—that makes others feel uncomfortable.)
If looking in people’s eyes is too intimidating, one trick is to look at the bridge of people’s noses. (They can’t tell the difference.) Also, if you meet eyes with someone, let them be the first one to break eye contact with you.
2. Constantly Checking In
So, are we still on for dinner? Are we still meeting today? Is 3 PM still is okay for you?
Constantly checking in displays zero confidence. It’s needy behavior that shows you’re unsure of yourself, you need reassurance, and you’re terrified to lose that meeting. It also shows you expect others to flake and, because of that, your behaviors actually make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Confident people, however, don’t have a scarcity mentality and aren’t afraid to lose things. They know their worth and they know they can handle whatever comes their way.
Sure, you can politely confirm an event, but keep it to one time at the most. If it helps, avoid making plans too far in advance because a lot of unforeseen things can happen from now until then to cancel it.
3. Negative Self-Talk
Sometimes people call themselves boring, lazy, fat, etc. Or when they make a mistake, they say, “I’m so stupid!” or “I can’t do anything right.”
Watch your words because they become your reality.
Whatever you say after “I am…,” be very careful: Your subconscious is always listening. If you say it enough times, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, negative self-talk is linked to mental health problems, less motivation, more helplessness, and even depression.
Instead, practice positive self-talk. Focus on your strengths and abilities and don’t put yourself down. Also, avoid too many self-deprecating jokes — constantly joking at your own expense can reveal a lack of self-esteem.
4. Poor Appearance
Let me be clear: I’m not talking about wearing expensive designer brands or trying to impress people with your style. I’m talking about how you present yourself to the world and how you carry yourself.
How you appear says a lot about how you feel about yourself.
Are you wearing shabby clothes? Is your hair sloppy? Do you walk timidly with slouched shoulders and arms that don’t swing?
If so, you’re hurting your confidence. How you feel about your appearance can actually impact your self-esteem. Carry yourself better. Wear clean clothes that accentuate you. Stand and walk in a way that matches how you feel about yourself inside. It’ll go a long way.
5. Deflecting
Imagine someone tells you, “You did a great job!” and you reply, “I made a lot of mistakes; I hope no one saw them.” Or someone says, “That was great!” and you reply, “Ahh, I just got lucky.”
That’s called “deflecting.”
According to Dr. Gay Hendricks, “Deflection keeps the positive energy from landing, being received, and being acknowledged.” It might seem humble, but it shows you can’t accept compliments and it perpetuates the feeling that you aren’t good enough. By never accepting praise, you’ll feel disappointed with yourself, which can lead to a self-defeating cycle.
To fix this, start accepting compliments politely. Don’t just deflect or immediately return the compliment (“You were great too!”); just accept that positive energy and thank them for it.
6. Poor Communication
When communicating, confidence is about the “signal-to-noise” ratio. The higher your signal (the message you’re trying to convey) versus your noise (whatever detracts from it), the more confident you appear. Here are some common issues that create “noise” and shows low confidence and social IQ:
- Fillers—uh, um, like, ahh, you know, and yeah, etc.
- Talking too fast
- Rambling or being long-winded
- Uptalk—ending your sentences with an upward inflection that sounds like a question
- Non-verbal tics—fidgeting, shaking legs, tapping feet, biting nails, gesturing too quickly, etc.
Instead, communicate authoritatively. Practice confident body language and speak clearly and concisely. Also, take time to pause, which gives listeners a chance to process what you say.
I highly recommend you record yourself talking. It’ll be brutal at first, but trust me—after a few hours of practice, you’ll sound like a new person.
7. Apologizing When You Don’t Need to Apologize
One interesting way where people subtly sabotage their confidence is by saying “sorry” when they don’t need to.
When you’re wrong or you messed up, yes, apologize (If anything, it shows more confidence to admit errors and make amends.) But if you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re still apologizing, it can hurt your confidence. It makes you feel like you’re indebted to people or that you’re afraid to stand up for yourself.
If you say “sorry” a lot, notice when you do it and what it’s for. It might mean you need to learn how to assert yourself in a fair, respectful way and be comfortable with uncomfortable situations.
That, after all, is a huge sign of confidence.
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