Our inner critic can limit us in so many ways and make us feel self-conscious and insecure. It tells us all the reasons why we’re terrible, why we’ll fail, and why success just isn’t for us.
Yet everyone deals with an inner critic, no matter how successful they are. (I certainly have my moments.) They might even have a “louder” inner critic in certain areas of life compared to other areas. But the key is to learn how to control it so you can live a more free, uninhibited, and happy life.
Some advice, unfortunately, is about suppressing your inner critic, which isn’t really the best approach (as I’ll explain). Of all the steps I’ve tried, here are the ones that have helped me feel more confident and self-assured to take action. Give these a shot and watch your results soar.
Change Your Self-Talk
Sometimes, people say harsh things about themselves like: “I’m so stupid,” “I can’t do anything right,” “I’ll never be able to…,” etc.
But the more they say it, the more real it becomes—it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy and they ultimately become what they say and think.
Ramit Sethi once said, “Whatever you say after ‘I am,’ be careful.” Your subconscious mind is always listening and it cannot take a joke. Learn to stop saying negative, defeatist comments—even with self-deprecating humor—and start saying positive things about yourself and your abilities.
Separate Fact From Fiction
Are the things our inner critic says actually true? Is there any proof? Is it actually based on reality?
Almost all of the time, the answer is “no.” Much of our inner criticisms are distorted, fictional stories based on our programming, upbringing, beliefs, traumas, etc. Thus, we react to our opinion of reality, not reality itself, which affects our emotions, abilities, and results.
Separate “fact” from “fiction.” Challenge your assumptions and don’t add your opinions to the situation. It isn’t easy, but as you practice, it can help you stay grounded during difficult times. (You might even realize how much of your “difficulties” are self-made.)
For example, your inner critic might think, “I’ll never be able to succeed at this. I’m just not made for it.” But if you think about the facts, you might reply, “How do I actually know until I try? I’ve succeeded at difficult things before. And I’m sure people less skilled than me have done well.”
Retrain Your Mind
Many people try to change their minds by gritting their teeth and reminding themselves of new thought patterns. Yet because everything in their environment — their social circle, lifestyle, information sources, etc. — reflects their past thinking, eventually, they revert back.
If everything around you is the same, your thinking will be the same too. It’s impossible to change yourself unless you change your environment first.
To make powerful change in our lives, we need to change at the subconscious level. Otherwise, the change will not be permanent. You could try to force yourself to be positive, for example, but if your subconscious, or physical body, is habituated to negative emotional states, it will default to behaviors that reproduce those emotions.
— Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.
Changing your thinking is like unlearning one language and learning another one: It can only come from a consistent, diligent, and committed effort.
To do this, there’s a strategy I learned from Marilyn Sorensen, Ph.D., who teaches people to write cards to debunk incorrect beliefs and learn healthier, empowering ones. Here’s her “secret sauce:” You read these cards 5 times a day, in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and before bed.
By doing this regularly, you retrain your mind and build better mental models for a happier, more successful life—without using willpower.
Spot Your “Upper Limit”
Sometimes, your “inner critic” only appears as you reach higher levels in life in order to sabotage yourself with negative thoughts. This is what’s called an “Upper Limit Problem,” created by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., in The Big Leap:
Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.
As you enjoy more happiness, success, love, positivity, etc., you often hear your inner critic get louder so it can drag you down to where you’re more comfortable.
To overcome this, realize your inner criticisms could be a sign that you’re advancing in life. See those negative thoughts for what they are and embrace your growth and progress.
Improve Yourself
Silencing your inner critic does not mean you should accept your faults and not try to improve them. It does not mean, if you’re living a lackluster life, you need to “silence” the nagging feeling that you should do more.
For example, if you’re (for lack of better words) fat and out of shape, telling yourself, “I’m fat and out of shape,” is not a criticism—it’s a fact. It’s the truth and, often, the truth hurts. Yet silencing your inner critic in this situation is just avoidance and denial.
Ironically, if you’re not moving forward in your life, it’s a lot harder to silence your inner critic. If you don’t have any momentum or achievements to build self-confidence, you’ll struggle to improve your thoughts. And until you can be honest with yourself and your issues, you’ll struggle to get the most from this advice because, in a way, you’re living incongruently and lying to yourself.
Let Go of Your Judging Mind
This last point goes deeper because there is a limit to “overcoming” your inner critic. Sure, you can use the previous steps to make big improvements, but as you look closer, you’ll see the real issue: You’re being the firefighter and the arsonist at the same time.
Your own mind is trying to solve the negative and discouraging thoughts coming from your own mind. And as you fight your own mind, you often make things worse and empower your obstacles.
Your inner critic comes from your conscious, judgemental mind. W. Timothy Gallwey, the author of The Inner Game of Tennis, calls this mind “Self 1.” Self 1 comprises our thinking mind, which is perpetually telling us what to do, driven by ego and self-image, excited with success, and miserable with failure.
Self 2, however, is the unthinking mind. It’s deep in the recesses of the body and it controls everything, executes the orders of Self 1, and is the storehouse of tremendous potential and intelligence.
If you fight your negative thoughts with the same thinking mind, you empower the same Self 1 that created your problems in the first place. Instead, to “silence” your inner critic, the key is to focus on Self 2, not Self 1. Rather than judging yourself, moment to moment, and becoming inhibited and self-conscious, simply let go of expectations, quiet your mind, and let whatever happens happen.
Only when Self 1 stops sitting in judgment over Self 2 and its actions can he become aware of who and what Self 2 is and appreciate the processes by which it works. As this step occurs, trust is developed, and eventually the basic but elusive ingredient for all top performance emerges — self-confidence… As long as Self 1 is either too ignorant or too proud to acknowledge the capabilities of Self 2, true self-confidence will be hard to come by. It is Self 1’s mistrust of Self 2 which causes both the interference called “trying too hard” and that of too much self-instruction. The first results in using too many muscles, the second in mental distraction and lack of concentration. Clearly, the new relationship to be established with ourselves must be based on the maxim ‘Trust thyself.’
— W. Timothy Gallwey
In life, we are always learning. Thus, we will always experience difficulties as we gain more knowledge and skills. Yet the need to judge ourselves “good” or “bad” (which are two sides of the same judgmental coin) or to analyze our performance only worsens the tension, anxiety, and rigidness that hurts us in the first place.
Rather, it’s much more powerful to let go, relax, and let the natural capabilities of your Self 2 take over.
Admire all the incredible potential that we as humans have. The fact that we can do so many things is a testament to the tremendous gift of our bodies and minds.
Learn to embrace this power and to let go of your ego-driven mind.
You’ll eventually notice your judgmental thoughts starting to fade away as you focus your attention on the present moment and taking action.
And, ultimately, that is how to silence your inner critic.
Best of luck.
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