The human mind is a strange thing.
We see things that aren’t there and we don’t see things that are there. Yet it’s this gap in logic, awareness, and how we see the world that causes so many of our problems, turmoil, conflicts, and more in life.
After working through this for many years, I’ve come up with a simple question I regularly ask myself to help me confront these issues head-on so I can see the world with more clarity and live a better and happier life.
Keep in mind, this question might lead to answers that are difficult to hear, but often in life, it’s the things that are difficult to hear that are the most necessary.
The 4-Word Question to Ask Yourself
Am I in denial?
It’s just that simple.
The reason why this question is so valuable is that it shakes your world. It shifts everything back onto you first. Rather than thinking everyone else is wrong, you force yourself to take a moment to consider if — perhaps, maybe, possibly, just the faintest chance — that it’s you who is wrong and not everyone else.
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool.
— Richard Feynman
Usually what we resist the most is what’s most true. The reason why we resist it is that we are terrified to see the truth; it’ll shatter our world, perspective, reality, etc.—and when someone calls out our blindspots, deepest flaws, or misguided beliefs, we often blow up and fight tooth and nail.
Yet the unfortunate thing is that we don’t even realize we’re doing it to ourselves. Meanwhile, everyone else sees those problems as clear as day. That’s why to live a better life, it’s critical to become conscious of your deeper personality traits, temperament, and behaviors so you can control them—not the other way around.
Learn The Hardest Truth
One hard truth I’ve learned in life is whenever someone unpromptedly says, “I’m not ______” or “I don’t _____,” more times than not, they embody that exact trait and do that exact thing.
I’m not a cheater. I don’t lie. I’m not arrogant. I’m not lazy. I don’t procrastinate. I’m not negative. You name it. Hell, whenever someone unpromptedly says, “I don’t judge people,” they’re usually extremely judgmental.
The opposite is also true. For example, you’ll read an article from someone who says they’re a positive and kind person (and wants to teach you how to become one too), yet spends their entire article angrily ranting about—well—everything.
To be aware of a single shortcoming in oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in someone else.
— Dalai Lama
Yet if you ask yourself, “Am I in denial?” again and again, you will uncover many deep truths about yourself, your mental patterns, your darkest beliefs, and more.
And in my life, once I became aware of those truths and accepted them, everything changed. I stopped trying to fight those issues, which—unbeknownst to me—was wasting mental energy, affecting my peace of mind, and creating tremendous inner turmoil and angst.
Instead, once I learned to embrace those inner issues, love them as my own, and become conscious of them, it became much easier to move forward.
(Note: I added “unpromptedly” because this rule doesn’t work against false accusations or as a factual response to a question. In other words, if someone says, “Anthony, you’re German,” and I reply, “I’m not German,” don’t think that means I’m secretly German and I don’t want to confront the truth, ja?)
How to Uncover the Truth About Yourself
If you spot it, you got it.
— Alcoholics Anonymous
What we see in others is what we see in ourselves, either consciously or subconsciously.
As Martha Beck, Ph.D. explained, “We become hyperalert to anything that reminds us of the behavior we’re denying in ourselves, focusing with unusual intensity on the slightest hint of that behavior in others, or imagining it where it doesn’t even exist.”
This is a defense mechanism called “projection”—you have a trait, feeling, or behavior in your personality, but because you’re unaware of it, you attribute it to other people. For example, a projector might believe other people are rejecting them when, in reality, they are rejecting other people.
Instead of befriending and integrating our negative traits, we alienate and project them, seeing them in everybody else but ourselves… All of us have blind spots — tendencies and traits that we simply refuse to admit are ours, that we refuse to accept and therefore flowing into the environment where we muster all of our righteous fury and indignation to do battle with them, blinded by our own idealism to the fact of the battle is within and the enemy as much near home.
— Ken Wilber, Ph.D.
Here’s a personal example: One personality trait that tends to rub me the wrong way is someone who’s arrogant, cocky, and boastful. So naturally, the first thing I should do is make sure that I’m not the one being arrogant, cocky, and boastful and simply projecting my own self-hatred onto other people.
In this process of looking at myself first, I unearthed some big discoveries. For example, I realized that, as a result of growing up with very low self-esteem, I struggled to show any display of self-congratulations. (To make matters worse, I grew up in a very self-effacing culture where pride in one’s own achievements is heavily frowned upon.)
Because I never learned to feel good about myself, perhaps when I see other people who have no qualms about self-congratulations, I get envious and project my negativity onto them. (Among other things.)
It took plenty of self-work to gradually resolve this situation, but none of it would’ve been possible if I didn’t shift my focus back onto myself and consider that I could be the source of the problem, not anyone else.
Criticizing is scapegoating… When you call someone afraid or a chicken or stupid or lazy, you are revealing your own shadow-self — your own fears of encountering those same flaws that already exist in you. You can’t recognize something in someone else if you don’t understand it, and you can’t understand it unless you also have that same trait. Throwing criticisms at others keeps the criticizer’s shadow “out there;” if he did not project onto others, his ego would be forced to recognize that what is wrong with others is also wrong within him.
— Steven Ozanich
Why Self-Awareness Is Vital
Asking yourself if you’re in denial is powerful. Instead of dumping all your frustrations, emotions, and dislikes onto other people, it forces you to consider if some of those issues are within you. That perhaps it’s you who is causing the problem. That perhaps you’re projecting your own problems and insecurities onto other people and, in a nutshell, getting mad at nothing.
You might not be, but at least you’re intentionally becoming self-aware first and ensuring you don’t act mindlessly of whatever issues might be going on within yourself.
The result? Better conflict resolution, happier relationships, less resentment towards other people, and more stability with your mental health because you’re not being swayed by your (unfounded) emotions.
Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.
— Eckhart Tolle
In fact, nowadays, before I call out anyone—a friend, a stranger, etc.—for their behavior, I try to take a step back and ask myself, “Am I in denial?”
Once I’m fairly sure I’m not just flinging my own crap at other people, then I can take action knowing that it’s coming from a place of honesty and composure. (Again, I might still be wrong, but at least I’m not speaking recklessly or impulsively.)
This avoids a lot of unnecessary drama and helps to create better solutions.
Sure, this level of self-awareness is sometimes difficult and painful. But by seeing the truth, you can finally make impactful changes to improve your life more than you could ever imagine.
Best of luck.
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