I used to be painfully shy.
The worst part was feeling like everyone was watching me or that no one wanted me around. I constantly felt on edge, felt like I was bothering people, held back my opinions, and second-guessed myself about everything I said or did.
Thankfully, things have changed tremendously.
Now, I almost never worry about what other people think of me. And it gives me a ton of freedom, self-confidence, and mental and emotional stability. By not agonizing over other people’s opinions, I feel far more relaxed and comfortable around people, which helps me build better relationships.
And if I do end up doing something silly—like tripping on the sidewalk or saying something that bombs—I don’t feel bothered. I just shrug my shoulders and keep going without feeling embarrassed.
In this article, I’ll show you the exact steps that helped me achieve this freedom. No superficial stuff (ex. “just ignore them”)—I’ll share how to tackle the deep, underlying issues so you can create real changes that last.
Note: This isn’t an excuse to treat people badly and defend yourself by saying, “Well, I don’t care what people think!” That’s not right. You still need to care about people—but this skill is also about learning what to care about and what not to care about.
Build Your Self-Esteem
Often, our social anxiety, fear of rejection, insecurities, and more are actually symptoms of a deeper problem: Low self-esteem.
The truth is that frequently feeling like everyone’s judging you, feeling embarrassed around others, and being anxious in public are textbook signs of low self-esteem. And until you address this root problem, every “trick” to overcome it will just mask the real issue.
Your self-esteem affects your social comfort. With healthy self-esteem, you’ll avoid the mental minefields that inhibit you; with low self-esteem, you’ll always be obstructed by a distorted reality.
For example, despite talking to strangers every day for years, I kept hitting the same obstacles — I still got upset, embarrassed, or frozen by certain situations and I could tell there was something wrong. But once I realized it came from low self-esteem, I went on the long road of recovery and it utterly transformed how I felt around people.
I cannot begin to describe how much more freedom and ease I feel around people after doing that therapy. Sure, I still feel nervous at times—which is normal (and actually a sign of excitement)—but I almost never feel that level of tension, anxiety, and insecurity like before.
The solution goes way beyond a few affirmations or a pat on the back. I highly recommend taking courses, therapy, or coaching to help you recover from it. It’s not the “sexy” answer or “conversational trick” you might see elsewhere, but this will unquestionably create dramatic results that will resonate through every part of your life.
Stop Being Approval-Seeking
Approval-seeking behavior is exactly that: The need to have everyone approve of you, tell you you’re doing a “good job,” agree with you, and more.
When someone’s approval-seeking, they tend to do things like show off their accomplishments, become the center of attention, say things to get people to like them, and more, which ironically makes people like them less.
This also makes their communication stilted, inauthentic, and needy. And when they don’t get the approval they’re seeking, they tend to feel hurt and slighted since their self-worth hinges on what others think of them.
Part of this, again, can be cured by improving your self-esteem because, with healthy self-esteem, you’ll have less of a need to seek approval because you already feel good about yourself. You’ll have a stable self-worth that doesn’t fluctuate whether or not other people clap their hands for you.
Another solution is to, as Wayne Elise would say, be “approval-giving.” Make communication less about you and more about them. Focus on giving approval and appreciating others for their kindness, actions, and more. That way, instead of being on “defense” and reacting to what everyone does, you live on “offense” and bring energy and warmth into the world.
Notice The Projections
Every now and then, we encounter someone who judges and criticize us. (And if you live in a big city, you’ll occasionally run into assholes who just want to spread anger and meanness.) But you must realize one thing:
Their criticisms say everything about them and nothing about you.
This is called “projection” —when someone has a trait, feeling, or behavior in their personality, but because they’re unaware of it, they attribute it to others. For example, a projector might believe everyone else is rude when, in reality, they are the rude ones:
Criticizing is scapegoating… When you call someone afraid or a chicken or stupid or lazy, you are revealing your own shadow-self — your own fears of encountering those same flaws that already exist in you. You can’t recognize something in someone else if you don’t understand it, and you can’t understand it unless you also have that same trait. Throwing criticisms at others keeps the criticizer’s shadow “out there;” if he did not project onto others, his ego would be forced to recognize that what is wrong with others is also wrong within him.
— STEVEN OZANICH
While not everything someone says is projection, if it’s an emotionally charged insult or criticism for no reason, you can bet the house they’re just projecting their own self-hatred onto you.
By understanding this, it devalues the significance of what other people think. And rather than being affected by it or taking it personally, you’ll see that it’s not a commentary about you, which lets you disregard it and move on.
Understand a Powerful, Yet Simple Truth
We often think everyone is so focused on us—judging and criticizing what we do, what we wear, and how we act—when in reality, people really don’t care.
But it’s not just you who thinks that: It’s everyone. Due to something called “the spotlight effect,” people overestimate how much their actions and appearance are noted by others:
The reason for the spotlight effect is the innate tendency to forget that although one is the center of one’s own world, one is not the center of everyone else’s.
The reality is other people, by and large, are too busy living their own lives, worrying about their own problems, and thinking about what to do next. They’re also less critical than we think—research shows that when we screw up, we overestimate how much people criticize and disapprove of us for it.
By realizing this truth, it’s liberating to know you don’t have to constantly walk on eggshells because you (mistakenly) think people are obsessed with your every move. Instead, you can let your hair down knowing that people won’t notice you and, if they do, it’s not going to be as harsh as you think. (Thank you, science!)
Practice Feeling Uncomfortable
As I explained above, people don’t care about you as much as you think. But it’s one thing to be aware of it; it’s another thing to experience it yourself.
That’s why, as crazy as it sounds, I highly encourage you to find ways to practice feeling uncomfortable and (slightly) embarrassed. Challenge your emotions and assumptions and prove to yourself that you can make a faux pas and still survive.
Frankly, many of us are embarrassed about things that aren’t worth being embarrassed about. For example, many are embarrassed to wear shabby clothes or slip in public… but not embarrassed to be obnoxious, mean, or ignorant? That makes no sense.
No man ever stood the lower in my estimation for having a patch in his clothes; yet I am sure that there is greater anxiety, commonly, to have fashionable, or at least clean and unpatched clothes, than to have a sound conscience.
—Henry David Thoreau
Gently push your boundaries. Teach yourself not to take yourself so seriously. Maybe wear a shirt that’s a little flashier than you’re used to, not to gain attention (which is approval-seeking), but to acclimate yourself with discomfort.
When I started doing this, I used a Hello Kitty subway fob on my phone that anyone could see and had an embarrassing ringtone. But I wanted that. I wanted to train myself to be okay with having people raise their eyebrows at me for something that really didn’t matter. After all, they didn’t make me a bad person—they were just silly things that said nothing about my character.
Do More Things Alone
When you need others for your happiness, you’ll cling to them, you’ll become needy, and you’ll worship everything they think of you, which leads to self-defeating behaviors.
But if you can’t be happy by yourself, you’ll never be happy with others.
Ironically, when you feel comfortable being alone, you’ll feel comfortable being with others. When you learn how to be content and have fun by yourself, you can enjoy people in a more detached way, which coincidentally creates relationships born out of freedom, not dependence.
Do more things by yourself. Learn to be comfortable alone in public. At first, you’ll feel self-conscious, but as you do it more, you’ll get used to it and, more importantly, you’ll realize it doesn’t matter if you’re solo and everyone else isn’t.
After practicing these tips for many years, I almost never worry about what other people think of me.
I never feel like I have to cling to people because I know I can be completely fine by myself.
Any disapproval or meanness from them doesn’t get me down or hurt my self-confidence.
And coming from my painfully shy past, I now feel like I’m living a completely new life.
And it’s incredibly liberating.
I wish you the same joy too.
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