The year was 2008, and I had just lost my face.
That October, acne ravaged my face so badly, it didn’t heal until almost 2010. I used to sleep on a towel because — and this gets nasty — my face would bleed almost nightly. My topical medications were so strong, I couldn’t sleep because it burned. I used to stare at my face, wishing the acne would go away. I almost couldn’t leave my apartment — I’d wake up, walk to the sink, and just lose myself while gawking at my reflection.
Reflective surfaces became my enemy. And so did cameras.
People didn’t want to talk with me and conversations rarely went well. Strangers often stopped me on the street or in the subway to give me advice. And though they meant well, it was embarrassing. (People asked me if I washed my face — a really moronic question, by the way).
Worse yet, some were mean.
Well, what the hell was acne all for? All the pain, the self-consciousnesses, the frustration — could anything good possibly come from it?
Turns out there was: I became conscious of many powerful lessons. Some old. Others new. Yet all had a profound impact on my future.
Acne: Old Lessons
Acne Lesson: “Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover”
Looks are a deceiver. I consciously refused to let attractiveness bias my opinion of a person’s personality and character. (Not that I was shallow before or anything). And if you’ve ever read Influence by Robert Cialdini, you know it’s difficult:
“Research has shown that we automatically assign to good-looking individuals such favorable traits as talent, kindness, honesty, and intelligence. Furthermore, we make these judgments without being aware that physical attractiveness plays a role in the process. Some consequences of this unconscious assumption that ‘good-looking equals good’ scare me.”
“…it is apparent that good-looking people enjoy an enormous social advantage in our culture. They are better liked, more persuasive, more frequently helped, and seen as possessing more desirable personality traits and greater intellectual capacities.”
The message is about not getting carried away with good looks. During my year of horrific acne, I met so many attractive people whom — by all means — had everything going for them. All the guys/girls liked them. They had picturesque faces. Yet they had nasty personalities, mistreated their bodies, and mistreated others.
Cialdini recommends we judge each person’s “offer” (in this case, “personality”) independent of us liking them.
Acne solidified that lesson.
Acne Lesson: “Looks Aren’t Everything”
People don’t remember how you look as much as how you made them feel. And while plenty of people were less-than-kind to me (the politically correct way of saying, “assholes”), a few tore down their walls after I started joking with them and having fun. It wasn’t easy talking to people when I didn’t feel (or look) my best, but I had to act in spite of it.
All it took was a little courage.
Acne Lesson: “Friends ’til The End”
Real friends don’t leave in tough times. They stay. They encourage. They push you right through the struggles. In my year-plus in Facial Hell, several friends stood out in their support — they were always behind me. And I loved them.
Acne: New Lessons
Acne Lesson: “Suicide Is Painless”
I had to *kill* myself (not literally, of course). In a figurative sense. A helpful soul, Craig Weller, describes this Stoic-like mentality:
“Kill everything you think you need to be happy or comfortable. Once you do so and surrender all your attachments to those things you’ll find that you’re free in a way that most people will never know.”
Acne was my way to kill myself. I had to kill any reliance on “attractiveness” for my happiness. (Later, I worked to kill my dependency on consumerism, but I’ll save that for another article). Instead, I focused on other things: Constant self-improvement. Achieving goals. True friends. (And later) Awareness. Attractiveness was just a chain.
You know, after my acne healed, I started getting compliments on my appearance from strangers. [Brushes dirt off shoulders] But it ain’t no thang. Seriously, it meant nothing to me. I was careful to let it go in one ear and out the other (though I still thanked them for their thoughtfulness) because I remembered what it was like when nobody made compliments — I wasn’t going to get heady now.
Acne: The Aftermath
As my face improved, things changed: People became friendlier. Males gave me more respect and females paid more attention. People actually wanted to talk with me.
And the quality of my life improved — I no longer wasted twenty minutes a day applying medication. I could touch my face. I could shave. I stopped fearing cameras. I wasn’t constantly harassed about “how bad my acne was.” And it made life easier.
But it didn’t make me happier.
That’s because I already found happiness. And it came from overcoming my challenges and adopting a few, influential lessons during those tough times.
Maybe it was worth it.
Great perspective on life brotha.
Well done Anthony. You’ve learned something some people never do. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks guys. Your kind words mean a lot to me. 🙂
Great post Anthony. If everyone looked at the world as you do, life would be much more enjoyable.
Thanks Jeremy, that’s really thoughtful of you. And that goes for yourself as well. 🙂
Great post ! Went through the exact same problem, every thing you said and felt, So did I ! But for me, my acne came back, and I’m locked inside this Summer all over again, yes I felt respect coming back , but once this got bad, I haven’t seen anyone again since, My views on life are different and on people but My face Is gone back to a mess again, it’s been 13 months and it finally got better before THIS… I’m only 14(15 in 2 weeks) I’m two young for this.. I however am trying harder to achieve something in life at the same time as trying to be invisible …
Thank you, thank you for sharing! If I could make a recommendation: don’t hide. You didn’t do anything wrong, so why hide? Be ashamed of what’s truly worth being ashamed for; acne is not one of them.
People – good people – don’t care about your acne. If anything, they’ll push you through it. The friends I made when my face was bleeding are still friends to this day; they looked past my face because it didn’t matter to them. And if your current friends have a problem with your acne, maybe they weren’t even your friends to begin with…
I understand your situation and know how difficult it is (even now, I still get acne occasionally). But believe it or not, it doesn’t bother me anymore. Why? Because we learned a lesson that few know. Cheers, Tristan! Happy early birthday!
I know how you feel ive been hiding all this summer:( which is a bummer i have nobody to talk to about this problem
Ive felt that way lately. Ive had a few bumps on my face and i feel like everybody staring at me and than i think its all in my mind which it really is.
People at work somtimes come up to me and tell me what i should do i know their just giving me advice but it buggs me and than i become even more self concious i feel like nobody gets me because they dont deal with it.
But i guess it comes with loving yourself and than everything else will change.
Thanks for commenting, Cindy. It’s so hard when people — for whatever reason — feel the need to remind us about our acne and how we can fix it (even though their solutions are usually crappy). I’m not going to be one of those preachy people who tell you, “Oh, they just do it out of love.” Instead, I’m going to say, let this experience make you better.
I wrote an update to this article that I hope can help you: check it out here.
I guess its easy for people to judge people with acne because its on their face and its the first thing people see but in reality everybody has imperfections its just that mines happens to be in the face were everybody can see it.
How can one small thing make people prejudge you instead of knowing you.
Great point. And as hard as it was, I used acne to constantly teach me that it’s impossible (and stupid) to judge someone by just how they look.
I am a college student with acne that I believe will never go away. It’s hard being a female with this stuff on my fave because there’s so much pressure to look good and appeal to guys. Well…As much as I hate it it proved to be useful to me. It helped me find a guy who actually loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. I’m fact, he tells me I’m prettier without the makeup I slap on every day (“just to look human” as I always say). But thanks for this, because I’m in a strong and secure relationship because I’m crazy and that somehow made someone fall for me. I always wondered what it’d be like to have amazingly clear skin and what a carefree life that must be, but I also see people being with you for your body or that pretty face and not what’s inside. I can only imagine what hell it must be for a guy.
Hi Nika, what a sweet story. Thanks for sharing. It’s funny… I still have acne (I’m 29 now) even after transforming my diet and fitness, but hey, it’s a part of me. Some of it I can control (less stress, good nutrition, good sleep, etc.), but some of it I can’t. Oh well. Thanks again, Nika.