Years ago, I had a coworker who always gave me an odd feeling.
At first, I couldn’t figure out why — he seemed nice, but every time we talked, I always felt uneasy around him.
Then it hit me: Whenever he talked to people, he raised his eyebrows so high that it created forehead wrinkles, and he would hold that facial expression the entire time. (Try doing that in the mirror and you’ll see why it’s so bizarre.)
My point? Many people worry about what words to say, yet completely forget that up to 93% of communication is non-verbal — things like your body language, facial cues, vibe, and tonality, not your words.
That’s why mastering your body language — and your ability to read body language — will give you far greater benefits than memorizing phrases and boost your social skills dramatically.
Here are a few simple tips to help revolutionize your own body language skills. Practice them and I’m confident your social skills will soar.
Use The Right Kind of Body Language
While there are many different ways to think about body language, the easiest way is to separate it into “open” versus “closed.”
Closed body language shows someone who’s unreceptive to what’s going on. They’re subtly trying to protect, hide, or shield themselves or they’re closing themselves to a discussion. It’s what people instinctively do when they’re feeling upset, bored, scared, insecure, stubborn, etc.
Common examples of closed body language are folding your arms, keeping your hands in your pockets (which, apparently, is an American thing), poor eye contact, facing your body away, holding something directly in front of your torso (to subtly protect yourself), frowning, crossing your legs, and having bad posture. It’s basically saying to the world, “I don’t want to talk,” “I don’t care,” or “Get away from me.”
Open body language is the opposite: You’re inviting the world in. You’re interested, engaged, and open to a conversation. It also shows you’re friendly and non-threatening (because you’re not hiding or shielding yourself).
Examples of open body language are keeping your arms at your side, having a relaxed smile, standing tall, showing the insides of your wrists, good eye contact, facing your body toward the conversation, and not crossing your arms and legs.
When talking to people, it’s almost always better to have open body language because the vibe you bring into an interaction is often the one the other person will reciprocate. (Your body language will either bring them up or pull them down.)
For example, imagine a stranger coming toward you with their shoulders slouched, arms crossed, no eye contact, and body facing away while trying to talk to you. It’s off-putting and uninviting (and maybe even frightening).
But if they had a good posture, gentle smile, and warm eye contact, they would appear more confident and relaxed, which will make you feel a lot more comfortable too.
Watch the Common Signs
A “sign” is a sign of interest, either sexual or platonic, from other people. While there are many “signs” to look for — and so many books written on them — I’ll offer the most basic and easy ones that are almost always accurate.
The first one is your feet. Watch where people’s feet are pointed — they’ll tell you who someone likes or where their interest lies.
The second is physical proximity. If you notice someone keeps creating more distance from you, it’s usually a sign they’re not engaged or interested. But if you notice that they lean in and get closer (or touch you in a friendly way), that’s a good sign of interest.
Next, watch how people’s body language changes. This will help guide you on what to talk about — and what to avoid — and how you should lead the conversation.
For example, if someone shifts from “closed” to “open,” then that’s a good sign they feel more comfortable and receptive. But if they go from “open” to “closed,” then it’s a sign to possibly change the subject, find ways to open them up, etc.
Practice, Practice, Practice
If you really want to improve your body language, then video yourself talking with a friend to see how you look. If that’s too uncomfortable or not possible, then video yourself having an imaginary conversation. (It’ll seem weird, but it’s worth it just to learn.)
Watching yourself in action will make you cringe at first, but as you practice good body language, you’ll improve rapidly. And the more you do it, the more natural you’ll feel.
Next, to improve your ability to read body language, the easiest way is just to talk to a lot of people and watch their mannerisms. As you get more practice at reading body language, it’s almost like you can read their minds.
Also, as you go about your day, watch how people interact with others. Even if you can’t hear what they’re saying, you can often see what they’re communicating by their body language alone—you can sense if they’re happy, excited, or upset, you can notice how friendly and close they are, and much more.
Be Flexible
In the pickup artist world, some men believe in an “alpha male:” A male who is superior to other males, high-status, high-value, and thus, more desirable to women.
One way they teach you to become high-status and high-value is to always have “dominant” body language. For example, spreading your legs wide apart, leaning back, putting your hands behind the back of your head, and taking up a lot of space with your arms to show your masculinity.
But that strategy has key drawbacks.
First, it’s very contrived. By doing this, you lack a sense of self. Instead, your mannerisms and behaviors are only based on what other people do — if they do A, you do B; if they say X, you say Y — all in the pursuit of making yourself seem “alpha.”
But there’s nothing “alpha” about “trying to look dominant.”
To me, the purpose of improving body language skills shouldn’t be to manipulate people or assert yourself. It’s to communicate as effectively and clearly as possible because many people (myself included) have no idea they have poor body language—so how they look doesn’t match how they feel.
Second, constantly acting “alpha” doesn’t match how conversations work. There are too many rapidly changing variables to rely on a one-size-fits-all strategy. For example, if I’m talking to an elder person, acting “alpha” might seem arrogant and disrespectful; instead, to show respect, it’s preferable to act humble and caring.
That’s why flexibility is key. Sometimes you need to be firm and aggressive; sometimes you need to be soft and gentle. Adapt to each situation and use a full range of expression.
“Appearing confident is not about expressing confidence. It’s about confidently expressing everything else.”
— Wayne Elise
Leave Your Mirror at Home
Some people teach you to “mirror” other people’s body language: If they move their hand, then you move your hand, and if they make a certain expression, you make that same expression. Why?
When you have a rapport and connection with someone, you will naturally mirror their body language unconsciously. Thus, people teach you to purposely mirror someone’s body language to try to fake that rapport and connection.
That might work if you’re trying to sell something or get people on the street to sign your petition (those guys know a lot of tricks, but that’s another article for another day), but if you’re trying to make a long-term connection with someone, it’s probably not the best strategy.
My theory is simple: Don’t bother mirroring people. Because oftentimes, you don’t want to mirror them in the beginning because they might have closed body language. And if you reflect it, it’ll just make them more tentative, fearful, and annoyed.
Instead, it’s better to lead them with open body language and then get them to mirror you.
Because once you truly connect with someone, you don’t have to think about it anymore.
You can relax, enjoy yourself, and be in the moment.
Good luck.
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