To change your life, you have to change how you think and feel. Whether you want to be more positive, patient, or kind, it all begins in the mind. But it’s a lot easier said than done. Many people—myself included—set out to change their thought patterns only to revert back to what they’ve always done despite their best effort.
I’ll explain why the popular approach actually sets you up for failure, leaving you feeling more discouraged and exhausted from “trying hard.” I’ll also share a far more effective (and far less stressful) strategy to help you change your thoughts and keeping them changed.
First, let’s talk about why changing your thoughts is so damn difficult.
Why It’s So Hard to Change Your Thoughts
Imagine someone wants to change the way they think so they tell themselves, “From now on, I’m going to be more positive/grateful/polite/etc.” Then, they try to think that way and mentally remind themselves again and again.
But often, nothing in the rest of their lives changed. And while their effort seems noble, after a few days or weeks, their motivation fades and they end up right back where they started.
The problem is they never changed their environment; they’re just gritting their teeth to “remind” themselves of a new thought pattern. But their environment—their social circle, lifestyle, routines, information sources, etc. — reminds them of their past so, inevitably, they’ll revert back.
In Willpower Doesn’t Work, Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D., explains it’s impossible to change yourself unless you change your environment because you and your environment are “two indivisible parts of the same whole.” Thus, if everything around you is still the same, chances are your thinking will be the same too.
The next reason it’s so hard is that your body is actually addicted to your previous thoughts. Emotions are chemicals so, if your body is used to certain chemicals, it will crave them and constantly repeat old thoughts—even if they don’t serve you—to maintain homeostasis.
To make powerful change in our lives, we need to change at the subconscious level. Otherwise, the change will not be permanent. You could try to force yourself to be positive, for example, but if your subconscious, or physical body, is habituated to negative emotional states, it will default to behaviors that reproduce those emotions.
—Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.
Because of this, if you attempt to change your thoughts, you might actually sabotage yourself. For example, random “bad” things might happen—you’ll get into an argument, worry about things, or even get sick or hurt.
But it’s not random. What’s actually happening is you’re hitting an “Upper Limit Problem,” coined by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., in The Big Leap:
Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.
As you feel more happiness, success, love, positivity, etc., you’ll hit an “upper limit” (kind of like a glass ceiling) and sabotage yourself to restore homeostasis. Why? Because your body wants what’s familiar—even if it’s awful—and will bring you down to where you’re comfortable.
Put together, that’s why saying, “From now on, I’m going to think differently” will lead to failure. Instead, if you want to truly change the way you think, you need to shift your focus from inside to outside.
How to Build a System to Learn New Thoughts
To me, changing your thinking is like unlearning one language and learning another one. It’s as if you realized the language you spoke was wrong and now you have to unlearn those habits and learn new ones.
This takes time. It doesn’t instantaneously happen after an inspiring book, quote, or conversation; it comes from a consistent, diligent, and committed effort to reshape how you think.
To do this, turn your new thinking into a system that no longer uses willpower. Here’s how:
1. Create Reminders
I learned this from Dr. Marilyn Sorensen, founder of the Self-Esteem Institute. In her therapy, she teaches people to write cards to debunk incorrect beliefs and to learn healthier, empowering ones.
At the top of a notecard, write your previous thoughts; below, write the new thoughts you want to master. Then, read these cards 5 times a day and space them out in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and before bed. According to Dr. Sorensen:
What you are doing in this process is retraining your brain and your habit of continually telling yourself things that are not based on fact or truth or history, but instead, on fear and irrational thinking. Now you are telling yourself things that are true, things that can serve you well in creating a happier life.
Now, rather than using willpower to “remind” yourself, you outsource your new thoughts onto cards, schedule time to read them throughout the day, and let your system gradually change your thinking.
2. Meditate
Meditation helps you change your thoughts, not because it actually changes them, but because it helps you become aware of them.
Many people are oblivious to their thoughts and feelings: They don’t realize if they’re angry, tense, or sad. Then they spread and project those emotions and wonder why there are issues.
To change your mental patterns, you need to become aware of them so you can notice when you “slip” back to old ones and correct them in real-time.
3. Do It First
Here’s a powerful life lesson: Whatever is most important to you, always do it first. Whether it’s health, family, or education, if you value it, prioritize it before anything else.
The best time to ingrain new thoughts is right after you wake up. (This is also when your subconscious mind is most active.) Make it your first thought of the day and read your cards in the morning to start your day on the right foot.
4. Trust Your System
Now that you have a system to retrain your thoughts, the key is to trust it.
You will have upper limit problems. Things will happen to sabotage you and bring you down. But if you know what’s happening, you can see it for what it is: It’s an incredible sign that you’re growing.
When I started reading my cards five times a day, I actually had bad dreams almost every night for a month. I had dreams that reminded me of when people treated me badly or I felt unloved, and I woke up feeling worse.
But that’s when I realized my cards were working.
My subconscious was creating negative emotions to return to my previous level because it craved those stressful and painful emotions (and chemicals). Yet as I continued to push through, it disappeared.
But it didn’t happen overnight. It only worked because I followed the system through the ups and downs.
If you stay consistent, you’ll start thinking in new ways automatically and change your life as result.
Try it for yourself.
It’s worth it.
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