I grew up painfully shy.
Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement.
Growing up, I struggled to talk to people I didn’t know (especially women I found attractive). So like anyone of my generation, I went online—with my dial-up internet—and tried to learn how to actually talk to people and have conversations.
After over a decade of talking to random people, I’m definitely much better and more comfortable at it now. But when I look back on the countless things I’ve read and learned, I now realize there were many embedded problems within the advice that limited my results and kept me stuck.
Some of it failed miserably, some of it worked, and some of it worked for the wrong reasons.
I’ll break down three of the biggest issues with most tips about social skills—that no one else talks about. Let’s jump right in:
It Overlooks Their Unique Advantages
Sometimes, when you see people share their social skills advice, they completely forget to mention all the special advantages on their side.
Most notably? Their (good) looks.
When I see conversation advice from beautiful people, it’s a little bit like getting advice on how to dunk a basketball from Shaquille O’Neal. (“So… just grab a ball in one hand, get on your tiptoes, and put it in the basket. That’s it!”)
But when you’re a beautiful person, you can say practically anything and most people will want to talk to you.
This is not politically correct to say, but then again, (1) it’s the truth, and (2) I’m not really a politically correct guy.
They claim their tactics work, but in reality, they could’ve said, “I like bananas,” and they probably would’ve done better than most people.
Then, sometimes, you’ll see a popular male conversation coach say, “I’ve always had a hard time talking to people—I was so shy. No one wanted to talk to me. But then I learned the secrets of conversation and I’ll show you how. Buy my course!”
But when you look at them, they’re FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. They’re over 6 feet tall with a chiseled body and they look like Brad Pitt—the story just doesn’t add up.
(By the way, I’m not saying that attractive people cannot be shy or socially awkward—they can! But as you’ll see below, what works for them won’t always work for you.)
I’m not trying to sound petty; I want to stress this because there’s so much bullshit out there from people trying to make a buck. They claim that their advice is so good, but it’s only good given their circumstances.
For example, when I learned how to talk to people, I had a face covered with acne. People were uncomfortable being near me and random people would stop me on the street and tell me how bad my acne was. (Uh, thanks.)
How could I compare my situation to theirs?
The point isn’t that you should only take conversation advice from “ugly people” (lol). The point is you have to take their advice with a grain of salt. What works for them may not work for you and it won’t necessarily be your fault.
Sure, you can try their advice and see if it works, but look deeper at the situation and see what unique advantages they might have. Also, look at their track record—have they helped all kinds of people get results?
Finally, caveat emptor. (“Let the buyer beware.”) Don’t fall for gimmicky sales tactics and obviously fake sob stories.
They Were Hurt (And They’re Still Hurt)
A few years back, I watched a very popular interview with a charisma and conversation coach. But during the interview, they said something that raised my eyebrows:
When they were younger, this person was the most hated kid in school—nobody liked them, they were bullied constantly, and their classmates even made chants about them (if I remember correctly).
It was really bad.
So, over the years, this person learned how to be more charismatic—how to be liked. And now, they teach other people the same thing.
But while everyone I knew who watched this interview gushed about their advice, all I could see was a hurt little child—one who carried a tremendous amount of sadness, bitterness, and resentment to this day.
(There were a few hints I picked up across the rest of the interview, but I won’t go into that right now.)
To this person, charisma wasn’t as much about the joy of being charismatic as it was a defense mechanism to protect themselves from more pain.
Rather than healing the hurt that came from all those years of bullying—and fixing whatever personality problems they might have had—they just masked those issues by “becoming charismatic” and manipulating situations so that people always have a positive opinion of them.
And it just feeds into their personality problems.
I see this a lot, not only with social skills advice, but also with self-improvement in general. A lot of people who seek self-improvement had a lot of struggles early in their lives (like yours truly).
Thus, they think that following all these new tactics can improve their lives, but they’re really just putting bandages over their deep wounds.
The point here is that you have to look at the intentions and motivations behind what you do. Why are you trying to learn more social skills? What is your deeper motivation?
Are you genuinely trying to build stronger connections and love people? Or are you trying to make up for some failing or shortcoming?
They Think It’s All About Talking
Quite a lot of conversation advice I see is about how to subtly dominate a conversation. It’s unintentionally about how to manipulate people in order to gain control and approval.
It’s not explicitly said by the teacher, but when you look at what they teach, you can read between the lines.
It’s hard, however, to have free-flowing conversations and build strong connections when you’re trying to force an outcome. (Also, it’s not something I believe in so you probably won’t get much from my advice.)
In the end, you might make a few “friends,” but who knows if they’ll be there when times get tough.
Their advice also propagates the belief that the person who talks the most or has the most interesting stories wins.
But that is categorically false.
It’s the person who everyone talks TO that controls the conversation.
In other words, it’s the most genuine, most present, and most empathetic listener who “wins.” (Although, it’s not really about “winning” anything, of course. )
For as much as people can teach you what to say, no one can teach you how to be genuinely curious or interested in other people.
Sure, you can read a list of questions to feign curiosity during a conversation, but if you don’t truly feel that way inside, eventually it’s going to show and you’ll sabotage your own efforts.
For example, many people I meet are in a hurry to share their own stories, praise themselves, or make themselves look cool. (Then, hilariously, they’ll apologize to me afterward for “talking too much,” LOL!)
I get it. They’re trying to get validation. (We all are, in some way.) So I’m not trying to bust on them for that.
But for as rare as it is to meet “interesting” people, it’s even rarer to meet “interesting” people who want to listen to your stories more than they want to share their stories.
There’s no list of questions to ask that can make you feel genuinely curious and interested in another person. (I certainly can’t teach you how to do that either.)
But it’s definitely possible to become that way.
You have to find that desire within yourself. You have to embrace a mindset and spirit where you want to learn about everything and everyone around you.
There’s a big difference between going through the motions of asking questions about another person versus truly desiring to learn about someone.
And when you do the latter, people will notice. People will feel honored that you’re asking so much about their life, their hobbies, their career, and more.
A few weeks ago, when I was in Athens, I was having ice cream with two locals. When one guy told me he was in the Presidential Guard, I stopped everything.
“No way!” I said.
“Yes,” he said with a smile. “Here’s a picture.”
“Oh man, I have so many questions,” I replied.
I had so much fun listening to him tell all these stories and all the little tricks they use. But what was missing from this conversation was my ego—what was missing was a bunch of pre-prepared lines, questions, and stories.
Instead, all I had was authentic interest and curiosity and that was enough to have a great conversation.
Try it sometime.
I hope it helps.
Leave a Reply