Life can happen hard and fast.
One minute, you’re on top of the world; the next, you’re knocked back, in a daze, and trying to figure out how to stay afloat on the RMS Titanic of life.
This isn’t negative or defeatist; this is a fact of life. Every single person in the world has to go through hardships. And unfortunately, some have to go through a lot more than others.
So how do you respond to these moments? How do you attempt to maintain your composure so that you can still overcome the obstacles while making sure that everything doesn’t “hit the fan.”
Well, there’s a quote you often see in the self-help world that’s “supposed” to help you feel more positive and feel a jolt of faith. It goes like this:
Everything happens for you, not to you.
This is a bit complex so I’ll go slowly here.
First, I do agree with a little bit of this statement. Because when bad things happen in life, sometimes, they really do help you.
Many of the most difficult times in my life led to much better things. But to be fair (to myself), they often led to better things only because I made them lead to better things (more on this later).
Also, there are times when something seemingly bad happens… but then you find out later that it spared you from something far worse and more devastating. (For example, an American friend of mine lost his job as an English teacher in Russia last year. But in hindsight, it’s a blessing that he’s not in Russia anymore given the current situation.)
But here’s something I want to stress: There are also many situations where there is absolutely no meaning or purpose and no lesson to learn.
They’re just examples of “bad things happening to good people.”
I think we can all imagine a few examples where something devastating happens to an innocent person with no “silver lining.” But can you imagine going up to them and saying, “Well, gee whiz, everything happens for you, not to you?”
It’s tone-deaf.
Sure, it doesn’t mean that you can’t “get over it” in the future and, one day, laugh about it. But those situations definitely aren’t rainbows and sunshine.
Also, getting (and giving) these kinds of positive tropes isn’t helpful. In fact, when people tell you to “stay positive,” to “always look on the bright side of life,” or “it could be worse,” it basically invalidates and dismisses your emotions.
Instead, I want to share with you a better saying I created (or, at least, a saying that I thought of, but I haven’t checked online to see if it already exists yet, haha 😉 ). All you have to do is add one single word to that initial saying:
Make everything happen for you, not to you.
To me, this is a subtle, yet helpful shift.
It doesn’t claim that some terrible life event or tragedy is happening for you—in fact, it very well might not be.
It doesn’t claim that you should just be “positive.” (“Turn that frown upside-down!”)
It doesn’t claim that it’s “going to be okay” (because, well… just because).
It doesn’t claim that some life force put this is your path to make you better.
It doesn’t do any of that.
All it says is this: Whatever bad doo-doo happens in your life, try to see how you can possibly use it for your own improvement.
That’s it.
It gives you the power to find the solution.
It puts you in the driver’s seat of your life.
It helps empower you during difficult times.
Now, you can ask more growth-minded questions like, “How can I use this experience? How can I learn something? What skills is this teaching me to develop? How can I avoid this again in the future?”
Maybe there are no answers—so be it.
But at least you’re trying to see how you can use it.
Look, when difficult situations happen, be compassionate toward yourself. It’s okay to feel down, frustrated, and angry—don’t fight those emotions; feel them.
But then, shift the power back into your hands and see how you can use this situation to improve your life.
Take the opportunity.
The lessons you learn might just change your life forever.
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