What I want to talk about today isn’t about giving girls “the courage to approach.” Like it or not (and fair or not), we all can agree that there are established gender roles during approaching.

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. It’s just there.

There’s also another accepted convention:

The guy approaches. Period.

From this Reddit:

Girls like being approached by guys. It makes you feel glowey in the belly. It reminds you of the pretty fairy tale stories you read when you were a peanut, and the dashing prince would approach you with intensity in his eyes, and a humbled, apprehensive, though confident swagger…he’d sweep you off your feet with his big man arms and ride you off into the sunset on his powerful white stallion!

Or a confident, genuine dude approaches you in the bar…initiates the same feelings.

So what you’re REALLY looking for is the guy who’s interested and makes the leap to ask for your number, right?

Now we’re on the same page.

Let’s talk about how to do this. Let’s talk about stacking the odds in your favor. These aren’t guaranteed to work; but they’ll make it easier for you.

Enjoy.

Make Eye Contact

Girls are pros at this. You will eyefuck a dude… and he will have no idea.

Dudes are atrocious at this. A guy will eyefuck a girl… and she will pepperspray him.

Women are masters at hiding their gaze. (Asian women, I find, are savants.) So don’t hide it… let them catch you. It’s okay! Get caught checking a guy out. One, it shows interest. Two, it’s not as common as you might think.

The truth is that attractive men get checked out by women a fraction of the amount women get checked out by men.

From this Reddit:

One of the most surprising things for me to discover about guys was how seldom they’re complimented or made to feel that they’re desired. Like what you’re saying you do, they seem to just brush it off. How sad 🙁

As a result of this place, I now I try to let guys know how nice they look or how sexy they are and whatnot, and the looks on their faces are always so adorable. Just a simple “You really good today,” makes them beam.

Also from that same thread:

Check, check, check it out:
You’ve likely been told you’re beautiful, hot, etc. by men and boys from a young age. You’ve seen men and boys blatantly check out your body from a young age. Men way too old to be looking at you that way saying things they shouldn’t be saying. And while the media bombards you with the message that unless you’re a 5’10”, 115 pound waif, you’re fat; unless you wear Maybellene, you’re ugly; men will tell you and show you that you are, in fact, attractive. It’s been going on so long that it’s just annoying now, but it happens.

Now, imagine if no man ever looked at you your whole life. No man ever told you how pretty you look today. You can count on one hand how many times a man has looked at you or complimented you in that way. But, dig this, the media’s still telling you you’re unattractive. The difference now is that you have constant reinforcement that they’re right, they’re absolutely right. No man truly finds you attractive, your boyfriends and lovers just told you you are because that’s what they’re supposed to do.

That’s what being a man is like. Women don’t tell us we’re attractive out of the blue. Women don’t stare at us. And the media tells us that without P90X we’ll forever remain unattractive. And we don’t receive any contrary experiences. Girlfriends and lovers tell us we’re attractive because that’s what we want to hear, not because it’s true.

I post that only to shatter your paradigm. Ladies, men do not get looked at everywhere they go like women do. We RARELY see outright stares. Sure, I see girls checking me out occasionally, but often that’s because I catch them through a reflection.

So start making REAL eye contact with a guy you like. Once you do, that’ll lend itself to the shared smile: when the dude and dudette smiles at the same time.

And THAT is a green-light.

Prioritize Proximity

If you like a guy, just get in his general vicinity. Invade his space. He — and I fucking promise you this — will NOT mind. Obstruct his path. Rub shoulders with him. Get close.

Why? To get sexual?

Not really. It’s too early for that. (We don’t want to use the “S”-word, right?) It’s because for every foot further away you are from a guy, the exponentially harder it is for him to move toward you and start a conversation. This isn’t about talking to him…

…this is about making it easy for him to talk to you.

Go Solo More Often

I know I should, but I seldom approach women in groups. It’s draining: I’m so much more aware of body language, managing the conversation, preventing it from becoming an interview (which I loathe), handling if one likes you while the other doesn’t, etc. And yeah, call me a pussy, but it’s much harder to ask out a girl in front of her friends.

See where I’m going with this?

Try doing things on your own more. Go to your favorite museum on your own. Eat alone. Go to a public place and read a book alone (one of my favorites, by the way).

Oh, when you do, don’t wear your headphones and don’t play with your phone. I’ve noticed — with men and women — that it signals their uneasiness about being alone. Think of the scenario where two people walk into an elevator… and both start reaching for their phone to distract themselves from the awkwardness…

Been there. Done that.

Look Friendlier

Recently, a good friend of mine visited Los Angeles and I took him to Santa Monica’s Third Street Promenade to check out the sights and the beach. We got a quick bite at an outdoor restaurant and I looked around as we sat.

“Hey, those girls over there are pretty hot,” I said.
“Yeah,” he replied. “But they look like bitches.”
I burst out laughing.

Because they did! They looked so mean!

They weren’t even talking to each other!

Ladies, we live in the age where “bitchy resting face” is a thing. (And, not to be mean, but Asians like myself are especially guilty of this.) Have a little smile on your face. If it feels weird to you, don’t worry — because it looks perfectly normal to everyone else.

Share Yourself

Okay, so if you follow the previous tips, perhaps you have a strapping young gentleman talking to you with great interest.

But how do you keep a great conversation going?

I tell guys all the time that, if they’re nervous when talking to a girl, don’t worry. Why? Because women are nervous too. Ladies, I feel you — too often, some creepy shmuck is trying to chat you up and you want him to politely get the fuck out of your face. But once a hot guy is talking to you, you’ll get nervous too. What do you say? What do you ask? Guys have their own set of rules, but what about for the ladies?

Here’s a simple rule to follow:

Share something about yourself.

Chances are, he’s going to ask you some questions. Instead of giving the usual job interview answer, inject a story and share a little something about you. Example time:

“Where are you from?”
“I’m from St. Louis. You?”

Meh. How about this?

“Where are you from?”
“I’m from St. Louis. I lived in a tiny house with my huge family for years. Actually, I wanted to try something different for college so I moved to Boston. You?”

This gives him more. This makes him feel like you’re opening up to him (which you totally are). And this gives your conversation plenty of fuel.

One last thing: if you feel like the conversation is dying, don’t disengage. Keep looking at him with a little smile. He’ll start it back up again or, if you feel like it, you can propel it forward with a question.

The problem for guys is the assumption is that: “It’s up to me to make or break it.”

But we know it’s not. Women can be awkward too (as I’m sure you’re fully aware of).

Don’t be that girl. Learn the foundations of good conversation and practice.

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Finally, let me end by saying this:

I’m not a psychologist. I’m 5’6″, I’m thin, and I still have acne scars on my face from when I was in college. I have a gray hairs and my hair has a mind of it’s own sometimes. In other words, I’m just a regular guy like all the other regular guys out there. I’m not speaking from some sort of self-righteous platform — these are simply the things I’ve observed from talking to way too many people (and women) in the last few years.

Everyone has the right to find someone that they click with and, hey, could one day fall in love with. I truly believe that. But it’s hard out there sometimes.

Hopefully this helps.

Good luck, ladies.