I only have to walk about six minutes and I can sit down on one of the comfortable seats at Union Station, put my feet on a table (although I’m not supposed to), and work on my laptop. I get free access to good internet and I get to watch the interesting mix of professionals, travelers, and locals dressed in their snazziest wares get a bite to eat or drink at the bar.

There’s a good mix of couples, trios, and groups with a smattering of solo visitors doing work or enjoying a cup of coffee.

But I can easily spot those who are comfortable in their aloneness and those who aren’t.

*

People frequently say “public speaking” is their greatest fear. But I want to add another that’s just as scary for most people, if not scarier.

Being alone in a public place.

Or, if you’re feeling very ballsy, eating alone.

Science confirms this. In a series of 11 studies from the “I Can’t Make This Shit Up” department, scientists from Harvard University and the University of Virginia found that people would rather give themselves electric shocks than be alone with their thoughts for just 15 minutes. (LINK) From the study:

We found that participants typically did not enjoy spending 6 to 15 minutes in a room by themselves with nothing to do but think, that they enjoyed doing mundane external activities much more, and that many preferred to administer electric shocks to themselves instead of being left alone with their thoughts. Most people seem to prefer to be doing something rather than nothing, even if that something is negative.

More than 57 percent found it hard to concentrate and 89 percent said their minds wandered. About half also found the experience unpleasant. (LINK)

But you don’t need science to prove it. In my rather unscientific studies at Union Station, I saw plenty of people sitting uneasily while waiting for their friends to arrive.

Hell, when I was in college, I remember talking to — and even living with — people who couldn’t get food alone. They actually had to find someone to come with them to the cafeteria and sit at the tables. (And those “unlucky ones” who had to eat alone at the cafeteria typically passed the time by talking on the phone.) I even remember going to lectures where people had to sit with their friends or else they would bitch throughout the 50-plus minutes of class.

And while that was college, remember, these dudes and dudettes grow up and become your bosses, friends, coworkers, and lovers.

Some psychologists blame the modern world and they have a point: in today’s society, you don’t have to go very long without some type of mental stimulation. Just grab your smartphone and hop onto social media and news sites or just plug in some earphones and listen to music.

Okay, so some people hate being alone. They would rather listen to music and nervously flip through their smartphone than sit and relax. What’s the big deal?

If You Can’t Be Alone, That’s A Problem

Before I explain some of the ways to become comfortable going solo, I’ll start by calling your baby ugly:

Fear of being alone is a chain.

We become slaves to other people. Also, a cousin to the “fear of being alone” is being needy. Simply put, you start to need others, which forces you to cling and do things you normally wouldn’t do.

Wait, Anthony! Are you saying I don’t need people?!

Guys, let’s not get into a debate on semantics here. I “need” the pilot of an aircraft just like I “need” an ER surgeon after I’m stabbed by a deranged spoon-wielding waiter. I “need” police. I “need” firefighters. Yes, I fucking need people.

But I don’t need to be around people to be happy.

I don’t need to be around people to be comfortable.

I don’t need to be around people to end the gut-wrenching pain of sitting by myself in a crowded restaurant.

Now, I’m not a recluse or anything. (At least, I think so.) I like people. Hell, I’m lucky to have some wonderful friends all around that world that I would do a lot for. But if they weren’t able to join me for dinner or — who knows — decided to end our friendship, I wouldn’t messily devour a Chipotle burrito in my shower while tearfully singing “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen.

Being “alone” is different than being “lonely.” One is a simple situation; the other is an opinion concerning that situation.

And what does that mean for your love life? A recent study found that people “settle for less” in their relationships because of their fear of being single. (Apparently, that’s a scientific term now.) In this case, the fear of being alone distorts decision-making — it influences someone to pick the closest thing instead of the correct thing.

Benefits To Being Alone

Doing things by yourself demonstrates real confidence; you do the things you want, with or without company. You won’t let anything stop you and, to me, that shows real boldness. Traveling alone:

…I’ve found is a great way to immerse myself in my surroundings. Without a partner, I have complete independence, which inspires me to meet people and find experiences that I normally wouldn’t have sought.
– Rolf Potts, Vagabonding

You enjoy others in a far more detached way. You no longer feel anxious or tense while walking or sitting by yourself in a public place. You’ll feel comfortable going to events by yourself and that unlocks new opportunities that were impossible without it. You choose the people you enjoy rather than clinging to the ones that select. And finally, you can let go of the people you want to let go of without fear.

How To Become Comfortable Being Solo

Now, lets talk about the actual steps you can take to start becoming more comfortable being alone in public places. I’m not an “expert” by any means, but there’s are some of the things that helped me when I had a difficult time all those years ago.

Start Now

Just like anything in life, the earlier you start to acquire a skill, the better.

Are you better off today than you were a year ago? Six months ago? Four weeks ago?

Read these tips and, at the end, think of one thing you can do immediately afterward to get yourself going in the right direction. As the old quote from the pick-up community goes: “He who hesitates, masturbates.”

Put Away The Stimulants

Part of the reason we don’t like being alone in public is that we’re not used to being alone with our own thoughts.

And how can we if we’re always texting, calling, watching TV, checking the internet, etc.?

Take time everyday to unplug. And, unless you’re reading a philosophical book that helps you gain awareness, I recommend putting the book away too.

Eat in silence. Walk in silence. Sit in silence. The best part about this is that you don’t need to be in public: you can do this at home, in your car, or on the subway.

Get used to returning home to yourself. It’ll be hard at first, but when you get used to it, it’ll be easier when going in public.

Learn The Art Of Conversation

There’s a certain confidence that comes from being able to spark conversations with strangers. And, oftentimes, my solo expeditions rarely end solo.

There is, however, more to conversation that just “being yourself.”

Because, truth be told, “yourself” could be terrible at talking with strangers. I know I was. Shit, I was awful at chatting with people I didn’t know — I felt nervous, lost, and embarrassed.

“Being myself” sucked.

So I changed myself and got better. And while I’m no professional, I’m certainly better than I was ten, five, and even two years ago. And it definitely makes going solo much more fun.

Do Something You Want To Do

Going to a concert by yourself is a great way to practice — no one cares if you’re alone and you’re too busy enjoying the music anyway. Conversations flow easily, too.

How about going to a museum to check out a cool exhibit? What about going to a must-try restaurant that’s already standing-room only?

Do something by yourself that interests you. It’s an easy way to build confidence and momentum.

Avoid Peak Times

If you want to try going to more public places by yourself, I suggest avoiding crazy times like Friday and Saturday nights when places are packed, people are a little snobbier, and everyone seems to be in a couple or massive group.

Those are tough places when you’re starting out.

(Hell, those are tough times for anyone.)

Accept The Anxiety

The harder you fight something internally, the worse it gets.

The key, instead, is to watch it and accept it. Feel it. Embrace it. Analyze it like someone sitting from the sidelines.

Soon, believe it or not, the feeling starts to fade.

What happens if you’re sitting in a busy lobby by yourself and you’re feeling anxious? Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Feel that tension within you.

It’s there, right?

Well, watch it. What’s it doing? What’s it saying? What color is it?

With this approach, you won’t be controlled by your emotions and programming. Ask yourself: Why is it that someone else in your exact situation could be completely comfortable while you are not?

It’s how you perceive the situation. So before you start a panic attack, watch that emotion and soon you’ll realize there’s separation between the thought and the thinker.

Remember: People Actually ADMIRE That Courage

I remember sitting in the patio of a restaurant in the quiet neighborhood of Outremont, Montreal when two much-older married couples sat down in the table next to me. It turned out they were from San Francisco and we talked about our travels and some good recommendations for the city.

“Are you traveling by yourself?” one of the gentlemen asked.
“Yep.”
“That’s great! I envy that you’re able to do that.”

What about you? When you see someone eating by yourself at a restaurant, do you “feel bad for them” or think they’re a “loner?”

That could also be part of the problem, if that’s how you perceive others who are alone.

Start admiring others for that courage. In fact, I think it’s awesome when an attractive woman eats by herself in a restaurant, without burying herself in headphones or a cellphone. It’s so rare! Man, that is one confident gal!

Ignore The Critics

I remember walking into a restaurant after a long night at Equinox and being teased by the host for being a solo diner. (I actually wrote a nasty review on Yelp before the bread even arrived.)

But the joke’s on them: I’m free; he’s not.

But besides that asshat, it’s actually super rare for anyone to tease you on being alone. What’s more common, however, is that people will feel sorry for you or worry that you’re feeling lonely.

That’s the funny part, really.

Because I like being alone. It gives me a chance to relax, ponder big questions, and develop myself. Enormous leaps of self-improvement are only possible when you take time to dig within, see yourself truthfully, and develop solid solutions.

But I also like being with friends. There’s so many great memories to be enjoyed and shared with the company of great people.

I guess I like both.

It’s kinda like the story of the guy waiting in the maternity ward.

The nurse came to him and asked, “Did you want a boy or a girl?”
“I wanted a boy,” he said.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she replied, “but it’s a girl.”
“That’s okay,” he said. “That was my second choice.”