How to Disagree without Being Disagreeable [Premium]

Disagreements are a huge part of life.

Whether it’s at work, at home, with your friends, or just dealing with random people in everyday life, we will always have disagreements with people. A difference of opinion. Different outlooks. Different feedback.

It’s normal.

But a powerful life skill is being able to have your opinion, share it, and do it in a way that adds to a discussion. To do so in a way that other people who disagree still feel good about it. To do so in a way that avoids conflict and contempt. 

And if anything, they’ll gain more respect for you because you’ve shown how well and respectfully you communicate. 

It’s an amazing life skill with tremendous benefits. 

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

— Sun Tzu

But it’s one I had to learn the hardest way possible. 

To be completely honest and open, I struggled with this for most of my life because my parents are two of the most disagreeable people on Earth. For example, to this day, I have never met a person more disagreeable, contentious, adversarial, and difficult to work with than my Mom. And I’m not even being hyperbolic—that is a statement of fact. 

As long as I’ve known her, she has always had problems with coworkers. But it’s no surprise: She’s very bad-tempered and bullheaded, with her “my way or the highway” approach, whether at work or just cooking dinner. (I haven’t even talked about my Dad yet.)

Look, I’m not trying to bag on my parents. I’m only telling you this because I want you to see that, even with those early influences, I still was able to learn how to do this. 

So if I could do it, there’s hope for literally anyone.

You can also see what happens if you don’t learn this skill: Toxic relationships, constant conflict, elevated stress levels, and a very bad reputation.

Finally, by telling you my background, you can see why I’m able to write an article like this. Because I started from zero. I had to learn — through books, videos, watching other people, making mistakes, testing new strategies, taking risks, failing, journaling, failing some more, etc. — how to actually do this.

And I want to share with you, step by step, all the best lessons on how you can disagree with someone without being disagreeable. Here’s how:

Know Your Opponent

Before I get into the tactics, strategies, scripts, etc., I need to talk about one of the most important things when it comes to communication, conflict, disagreements, etc.

You must know the person that you’re dealing with. 

I’m not talking about that age-old advice to “know your opponent’s argument better than they do.” (Or that you need to have a “personal” relationship with them.)

I’m talking about knowing your opponent’s character and personality. How do they act when there are disagreements? Do they fight or do they compromise? Are they civil or are they derogatory? Do they talk honestly and fairly or do they get defensive? Do they speak kindly and respectfully or do always have the last word and try to give a “parting shot?” Do they carry a grudge afterward or do they let it go and act as if nothing ever happened? 

This is vital information. 

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

― Sun Tzu, “The Art of War”

Recently, I received an email from a reader who wanted help because he was having problems with his family and friends. He gave an example of his girlfriend asking him for financial advice, but after he gave it, it eventually turned into a lot of arguments and nothing got solved.

Maybe the way he gave his advice was unhelpful, but if I had to guess, I’d say that 95% of all the drama, frustrations, and aggravation could’ve been avoided if he just paused and asked himself, “Does this person have a good track record of handling differing opinions?”

I’m willing to bet that the answer was “no.” 

That’s why it’s so critical to know who you’re communicating with. 

I’m not saying that, if they’re a mean person, you have to avoid disagreements just to “keep the peace”—I’m saying that it changes your strategy.

If someone is bullheaded, you know that they’re never going to agree with you. If someone is adversarial, you know that any disagreement is going to lead to them throwing emotional punches, making personal attacks, and fighting dirty.

So by knowing in advance what will happen, you can change your approach.

It also makes their (poor) behavior and reactions less bothersome because you know that they’re not reacting to you, that’s just how they react to everyone.

There is only one type of person that I will encourage you to avoid arguing with: Passive-aggressive people. 

Why? Because passive-aggressive behavior specifically makes conflict and disagreements extremely difficult, deceitful, uncomfortable.

Dealing with a passive-aggressive person is like trying to use traditional rules of warfare against guerrilla warfare. If you try to engage them head-to-head, they’ll withdraw; then when you least expect it, they’ll attack.

And the cycle will continue. 

Know Yourself

This is the second most important thing you need to know before you get into any conflict or argument.

We like to think that we’re fair and rational, but most often, we aren’t. Like any human, we have our blind spots, our hot buttons, our character flaws, our pet peeves, etc. 

And until you know your “weaknesses,” it’ll always be your kryptonite. 

Know yourself to improve yourself.

—Auguste Comte

Discover those soft spots and understand why they’re there. Work to improve them. Otherwise, when you have disagreements with people and it gets into that territory, your ability to be rational and calm will quickly deteriorate.

Here’s a more subtle example: 

Sometimes, after talking with a person, I feel uncomfortable. Something about the interaction was off. There was an aggressive and combative vibe to our chat even though we weren’t arguing.

And then I would realize that their tone of voice was very hostile, condescending, and snide. If you read their transcription, they didn’t say anything negative—but since almost 90% of communication is nonverbal, they actually gave that exact impression. 

And the crazy thing is that they might not even know they’re doing this. 

A lot of people don’t know that, when they communicate, they’re expressing a lot of micro-behaviors that can bother people. (People are very smart and perceptive and they will feel those micro-behaviors.)

So if you find yourself getting into a lot of disagreements with people, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you need to take a step back and analyze yourself. I would actually start by having an imaginary debate while videotaping yourself with your phone. 

You will pick up a lot of nuances that you didn’t know (and you’ll probably be mortified with what you see).

When I was just starting out, one thing I struggled with was calming myself down in the moment.

Due to decades of trauma, I learned that any disagreement is a live-or-die, fight-or-flight, high-stress, high-stakes event. For example, with my dad, I always had a walk on eggshells.

He was so painfully sensitive that the tiniest differing opinion would lead to him getting in a rage and then stonewalling me (and guilting me) for anywhere from several weeks to several months. I always had to soothe his ego and walk on razor-thin ice.

So I learned that disagreements were like trying to jump out of a plane without a parachute.

To overcome this, I had to face my fears. One thing I did — and I’m not ashamed to admit it — was that I actually wrote down what I wanted to say so I wouldn’t forget it in the moment in case my mind goes blank.

Don’t Try to “Convince” Them

If your goal is to convince someone, that’s fine: But just know that it’s going to be a lot harder is “disagree without being disagreeable.” Disagreeing without being disagreeable means that you can have a differing opinion and share it in a way that leaves everyone feeling fine. 

It’s not about trying to win every argument. 

Yes, there may be times that you want to convince someone that you’re correct. (Maybe you really believe in it.) But trying to win will probably be counterproductive. You’re basically trying to force an outcome; instead, it’s far better to communicate in a way that gives the other person the freedom to make their own decision. Otherwise, you’ll have a tendency to manipulate people and they will react defensively as a result.

That’s something many people need to understand. If your goal is to try to win every argument, you might learn enough strategies to win a lot of them, but in the process, you’re (most likely) going to leave a lot of “bodies in your wake.” You’ll win a lot of arguments, sure, but you’ll also sacrifice a lot of relationships.

Because nobody wants to be around people who always have to be right. (Do you like being around those people? ;-))

Also, the overwhelming odds are that you probably won’t convince them. Think of every major political issue in your country: How many times has a person convinced someone from the opposing side? 

It’s about as rare as an uncooked steak.

More importantly, if winning is your goal, then you should probably take a deeper look inside. Ask yourself: Why do you need to win? Why would it be bad if you “lose?” Why does it matter if someone else—who you can’t control, who has a different background, and who has a different life—agrees with you or not? 

Again, this probably isn’t the advice you’re used to hearing, but I don’t want to give you anything but the truth. 

Your inner motivations influence everything—whether it’s debates, your career, your fitness, or your life in general.

And by knowing why it matters so much, you will—drumroll please—KNOW YOURSELF BETTER. (See above.)

AND WHEN YOU KNOW YOURSELF BETTER, YOU CAN COMMUNICATE BETTER.

One hand feeds the other. 

Never Make It Personal

This is the common way people argue: They disagree about an issue for several seconds or so… and then the conversation deteriorates until it becomes name-calling, insulting, bitter, critical, etc. 

• “Ugh, you [insert political party]/[insert sports team] fans/etc. are all the same.”
• “You [insert political party]/[insert sports team] fans/etc. are so stupid.”
• “Why are you being so ______?”

They turn it into this unnecessary personal criticism. 

But there are several reasons for that. 

One, it’s a very common way to argue so people just do what they see other people do. (Monkey see, monkey do.)

Another reason is that—and this is why this life skill is so important—people assume that if you disagree with them, it is automatically a personal attack. 

They hold onto their opinion so tightly that it not only becomes their worldview, but it becomes a part of who they are. So if anyone disagrees with their opinion, it’s basically like disagreeing with every cell in their body.

Avoid making things personal. Just because someone does not have the same opinion as you does not mean that you can question their intelligence, character, etc. (Obviously, there are exceptions so use common sense here.)

By the way, in the three examples above, do you notice what was wrong with what I said? 

Take a second to think about it. 

Then, when you’re ready, read the next section.

Learn The Most Common Logical Fallacies

Logical fallacies are my guilty pleasure. 

For example, if you look at most people when they argue—in person, over the phone, in online comments, etc.—they frequently use logical fallacies. (What I just said, by the way, is not a logical fallacy. Just look it up and you’ll see.)

What is a logical fallacy? 

A logical fallacy is making some sort of argument, conclusion, or reasoning based on flawed logic. By doing that, you end up creating opinions and arguments that—for lack of better words—are soooo damn wrong (even though you might think you’re soooo damn right).

In the examples in the previous section, I used the logical fallacies “hasty generalization,” “ad hominem,” and “complex question fallacy” (i.e. asking a “loaded question”). 

Other common logical fallacies are strawman arguments, appeal to authority, appeal to emotion, confirmation bias, circular reasoning, non sequiturs, false dichotomy, burden of proof fallacy, and more. 

Familiarize yourself with these logical fallacies. (Here’s a great starting resource.) Learn what they look like. Learn to spot them. That way, when people disagree with you and use fallacies, you can see what’s going on. You can tell them that there’s something wrong with their reasoning. You can avoid getting tricked.

That way, you don’t get sucked into unnecessary frustration when their entire argument is based on shaky foundations.

Set Boundaries

Many years ago, I got into an argument with my Airbnb host. She blew up at me because I wanted to use the bathroom at night. (Really.)

I was acting as calm, composed, and mature as possible. She, however, wasn’t. She was just trying to make me feel bad, make personal attacks on me, and make herself feel better by making me feel worse. 

(Too bad for her, she wasn’t going to win that battle! 😉 )

So I looked her in the eyes and I said, “Why are you making this personal? If you want to talk about the issue, let’s talk about the issue. But I don’t understand why you’re trying to make all these personal attacks about me.”

You have to draw the line for people. 

A lot of people—especially people with some authority (like a manager, a parent, etc.)— are used to being able to bully, coerce, impose, and intimidate people to get what they want. And because they’ve done this numerous times in the past and succeeded, it’s their go-to strategy.

You, on the other hand, need to show them that you don’t play that shit.

For example, I draw the line at basic principles of respect. Once they start making a personal attack, interrupt me, insult me, yell, etc., I pull the emergency brake. 

I’ll just say something like, “Hey—there’s no need to make this personal. Let’s talk about the issue.” If they breach it again, I’ll fire a warning shot and say something like, “Hey—if you can’t talk to me respectfully, we’re done here.” 

If they breach it again, I leave.

That final step is extremely important: THERE MUST BE CONSEQUENCES. 

People need to know that you uphold your standards. 

Because what would happen if you drew a line, but every time they crossed it, you did nothing?

They would become a “habitual line stepper.”

(And speaking from experience, that’s when you start having a lower opinion of yourself. That’s where you start losing your self-confidence and self-esteem.)

By the way… do you notice that none of the advice I’m giving so far has anything to do with word-for-word scripts to use?

Because if there’s anything I learned about communication, it’s that scripts are very minor. They pale in comparison to everything that I just talked about. If you can master all the things, you can create your own scripts. You can make statements that are perfect for you. You never have to worry about following someone else’s formula. 

Even better, rather than just blindly taking someone’s formula, you will understand the reasoning behind why the formula works—and you will have that knowledge for the rest of your life.

Now, I’m going to shift and give you some helpful rules to use with the statements you say. (These will make a lot more sense now that you have a strong foundation.)

Avoid The Word “You”

Sentences that start with the word “you” generally don’t finish well unless it’s a compliment. For example, a lot of people will start their argument by saying: 

• “You don’t understand…”
• “You don’t get it…”
• “You need to listen to me…”
• “You always…”

Ohhh boy… please do not do that. That’s a guaranteed way of making any simple, innocuous disagreement into a full-blown, adversarial conflict. (Remember, you might be calm and collected when you argue, but other people might not be!)

The funny thing is that people will use these kinds of statements and then they’ll wonder why they get into so many arguments. (LOL!)

Instead, make “I” statements. “I feel, I think, I believe, etc.” That way, you’re not addressing them as much as you are simply sharing your own perspective. (And that makes any disagreement a lot less emotional or accusatory.)

Avoid The Word “No”

Saying the word, “No,” in a discussion is like driving a car at 60mph (100km/h) and then throwing it into reverse.

For example, someone says, “I think XYZ is a great idea.” 

And then you just say, “No.” 

I don’t care what you say after that; by saying “no,” you basically rejected their entire argument without even trying to find any redeeming qualities to it.

(Put yourself in their shoes—how does that feel? Not good, right?)

Sure, you can disagree with people, but try to use words that aren’t so dismissive and final. Maybe you can say, “I like this part of XYZ too… and that’s actually why I think ABC might work better because blah blah blah…”

You basically agreed with them while disagreeing with them. 

(You’re like a freaking conversational tai-chi master now!)

In fact, when I meet people for the first time, I generally don’t like to use the word “no” because it sets a bad precedent. Even if I disagree, I’ll try to find something that I do agree with just so we can build momentum and flow. 

Find Common Ground

Politics are an obvious point of contention, but let’s use another common (and fun) one:

Sports.

Being a sports fan is kind of like being a part of a gang. It’s your gang versus all the other gangs. Some gangs you really hate, some gangs you have a truce with. And it doesn’t take much for your gang to start hating another gang. 

Yet even if your gang has all kinds of problems, you still love your gang and will defend it no matter what.

All you have to do is go on any online forum or to any game and you will see sports fans bickering incessantly with other sports fans. Sometimes it’s just friendly banter, other times, it’s with fists and objects. 

One of the simplest things to have better discussions to do is to find common ground. Find something about the opponent that you appreciate. In sports, if you can talk up your opponent, it makes their fans feel a lot less defensive or attacked. 

By doing this, you show something that seems to be increasingly rare these days: 

Class.

At the end of the day, all the little annoying things you disagreed with other people about don’t really matter. 

They mean fuck all. 

When you die, you’re not taking any of that stuff with you anyway.

Chances are, people aren’t even going to remember specifically what you disagreed about. But what they will remember is who you are as a person. What your character was like. How you acted. How you treated them.

And to me, that’s the most important thing.

You can’t control other people and you can’t win every argument. But you can always control yourself and win yourself. 

And if you do that time and time again, really good things are going to happen in your life.

I guarantee it.