I could smack myself for not realizing this rule sooner.
You see, in friendships and relationships, there’s a lot of noise—there’s what’s really happening, what you think is happening, what they think is happening, and a whole lot more. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to separate all of those factors and see things for what they truly are.
But that’s where one simple rule comes in that can make life a helluva lot easier for you and everyone else you relate with:
Judge by actions, not by words.
It’s a simple as that.
How To This Rule Works
Don’t let what other people say—or what you think they mean—cloud you from what’s going on in reality.
The problem is we often see things, signals, or signs that aren’t there in order to protect our ego, hold onto the friendship or relationship, or just keep the status quo. But that kind of behavior does nothing for you and could even keep you stuck in a negative, toxic cycle that gets a lot worse in the long run. While this can cover everything from the people you work with to your family members, I’ll give you two examples: Your friendships and your relationships.
Example 1: Friendships
When it comes to friends, maybe they say they want to hang out with you, but week after week, they keep flaking, ghosting, rescheduling, or making excuses—despite your best efforts to set something up.
Or maybe you have a friend who always teases you, but when you call them out on it, they said they were “just joking” and that you need to stop being so sensitive.
Both examples can leave you confused and second-guessing yourself. Your friend says one thing, but they do another as they keep insisting that you’re friends.
But when you see things from the lens of “judge by actions, not by words,” you can see something different. In the first example, they’re not making any effort to meet you despite you trying your best; in the second example, they’re treating you poorly and cutting you down while brushing off your concerns.
Yet if you hold on to these kinds of friendships and let these patterns continue, it’s just going to drain you and make you feel worse.
Example 2: Relationships
When it comes to dating, maybe they say they want to go on a date, but week after week, the timing just “isn’t right.” Plans are rescheduled. Days go by without responses. And even though they say they want to meet, it’s like trying to catch a wet bar of soap.
But if you look beyond the words and judge purely by the results, it’s clear that this connection isn’t moving forward. Despite what they say, they’re not showing a level of interest, enthusiasm, or dedication that matches yours. And if you stay in this situation, it’s just going to make you feel unsure of yourself and hold you back from something potentially better.
How This Rule Helps You Maintain Your Sanity
Am I saying you need to be hypersensitive? Of course not. Things happen in life. Things get canceled. People reschedule. It’s completely normal, and it’s important to be fair and understanding.
BUT… if there’s a big gap between what they say and what they do, then only one of those two things are accurate: What they do.
For example, if they keep flaking on your first date idea, it’s easy to accept their excuses or delude yourself to protect your ego. But don’t see things that aren’t there. Don’t let people string you along. The truth is many people are afraid to say “no” or hurt your feelings.
And hey, maybe they do want to hang out with you. But if they still constantly flake and reschedule, then you have to decide whether you’re going to date someone who isn’t very committed versus someone who is.
This is huge when it comes to something like online dating because everyone is on different ends of the spectrum — some people are earnest about finding a life partner while some are just there to kill time. There’s nothing good or bad about either one, but it’s important to know where the person you’re talking to lies on that spectrum. Because if it’s completely different than what you want, you’re just going to be banging your head against the wall.
That’s why you have to look at the bottom line and see what’s really going on.
How This Rule Helped My Life
By following this rule, things get much easier. Rather than reading “between the lines” of their texts, messages, posts, or phone calls, I just looked at the results: What was actually happening in reality, and did I like it or not?
This helped me stop second-guessing myself or doubting myself. I stopped feeling like everything was “my fault” even though, looking at it objectively, I didn’t do anything wrong.
Sometimes personalities just aren’t a fit. After all, two people can see the same thing and have two different opinions. It doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person—that’s just life.
But life is short. And to me, it’s hard to justify spending time with people completely incongruent with your values and goals in life.
So in your friendships and relationships, start assessing situations by actions, not by words. You’ll be able to avoid a lot of problems and you’ll start finding the people in life who are best for you.
I hope this rule helps.
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