Recently, a friend sent me a link to a viral article written by a guy who’s in his 30’s and stopped dating. Here’s the article.

(The featured image isn’t his real picture, but if it was, dear God — nipple piercings? C’mon, bro.)

Anywho, I enjoyed his piece: I thought it was well-written and I empathized with some of his struggles. There have been times I felt that same way as the author and took extended breaks from dating, too.

But I also noticed a lot he could’ve improved upon or changed. I’m not talking about “pick-up skills” or any of that bullshit; just a different way of seeing things. (There were also times I thought he sounded a little bit — for lack of better words — like a bitch.)

Read his article and then read my response, otherwise it won’t make any sense — I answer his topics point-by-point. Then, at the end, I add my thoughts about dating and being single.

Hope this helps you if the dating scene is bringing you down.

Gamesmanship

I remember once being at a friend’s for a guys’ night when a woman I was interested in became a topic of discussion. She was friendly and displayed an outgoing personality, which I found appealing.

It was easy to discuss my interest in her, as it was guys-only party; yet, there was a catch: Other guys knew her, too, and they also expressed interest in her. They plotted their strategies on how to court her.

He threw a curveball because I thought he would talk about the many many games that women play.

He didn’t. He talked about all the competition and games from other guys toward a girl he liked.

Guys, here’s the harsh truth: attractive, appealing women generally have a flock of men around her who want her badly. And if she adds online dating to the mix, she’ll always have dating options close at hand.

Accept this.

The men he’s referring to are desperate, needy, clingy, and poor overall candidates. (Otherwise, why would they be satellite guys and still trying to get her?)

But the author said he felt “locked in a game.” Why? If others are “playing” a game, why do you feel that, to get this girl, you also need to play that same game? He only sees two options:

• OPTION A: Pursue the girl by playing the same game as other guys
• OPTION B: Give up

But what about pursuing the girl without the idiotic games? (This is “Occam’s Razor” at it’s finest.)

First, if guys are fighting for a girl you like, stay patient. It’s not that you’re NOT taking action (double negative alert!); you’re just waiting to let all the other guys fizzle out first.

Second, if the girl is truly a great candidate, she can smell facetiousness from a mile away and will NOT fall for the chumps.

Third, if you like her — or any girl, for that matter — chances are someone else likes her too. So what? If she’s an awesome girl, it’s bound to happen. Now what? Do you give up?

For fuck’s sake, dude!

Just go for her! Tell her you like her because of [whatever characteristic you truly like, not just her looks] and say you’d like to go out for a simple date. Boom, done. Let the chips fall where they may.

Guys — myself included — get into the bad habit of wondering if some girl likes them or not and debating whether or not they should pursue a girl they find attractive. Instead, build that habit of going for it and figuring out if she likes you later.

Last but not least, I suggest that he start meeting girls that aren’t in his social circle. If all your friends like the same girl, perhaps you should flee your incestuous group and cast a “wider net.”

The Superficiality

As I’ve learned in the past, looks are deceiving, but in the field of dating, that never turns out to be the case.

I find validity to this, especially online where people tend to make snap judgements due to semiotics and other random-ass shit.

And yes, to his point, the research is well-documented that attractive people get a huge advantage in society.

But let’s define “attractiveness” because it isn’t the same to women as it is to men. (I’m referring to in-person.) To be fair, women are more apt than men to determine attractiveness by the “total package” — looks and height are part of it, yes, but so is overall physique, posture, vibe, energy, attitude, confidence, warmth, etc.

If you’re the life of the party, but you’re 5’2″ with a scar on your face, women will still find you attractive and rationalize why later.

Fellas, ask yourself: have less-attractive men dated more-attractive women before? Have you seen guys date “out of their league” before?

Yes? Well, there you go, buddy. Improve what you can — fitness, personality, career, etc. — while shooting for the stars.

(I’ll have more on this later in the article.)

The Often Overused, Outdated Rules

A person could have a great date only to follow up too soon, or maybe, too late, or perhaps, an innocent slip of the tongue ruins his or her chance for a second date.

This I agree with. Some girls (and guys, too) create rules that, if violated, kill the chance of date number two. He didn’t XYZ! At one point, there was awkward silence — he’s not “the one!” He didn’t ABC! He showed up five minutes late! Etc.

This happens sometimes.

I will say, however, a lot of this can be fixed by dating girls with higher interest levels. As the saying goes: “If a girl likes a guy, there’s not much he can do wrong; if a girl doesn’t like a guy, there’s not much he can do right.”

This quote from the author was weird, though:

I had a few dates that were wonderful experiences with women who truly impressed me and still do. Yet, for multiple reasons, most of which are unknown, relationships never developed. [emphasis added]

If the reasons were “unknown,” it sounds like they flaked on him or started saying they were “busy.” (Just being honest.)

…and they still impress you?

Look, you don’t need to hate a girl for turning evasive, but to esteem someone when they don’t esteem you sounds a little pathetic.

Dating Doesn’t Always Bring That Much Happiness

During this process, I had multiple online dating profiles and messaged potential matches. I kept track of my progress and looked for areas of improvement, as if I was running a business, but it never made me happy, especially when I had dates that never panned out.

Congratulations, my friend. You’re starting to realize what many guys never figure out for themselves:

Relying on others for your happiness is a terrible fucking idea.

Dating shouldn’t bring you happiness; you should bring your own happiness. Dating merely gives you someone else to share your happiness with.

But putting the cart before the horse, so to speak, is asking for disaster. If you have poor dates, you’re not happy; but if you have great dates, you’re happy.

How slavish!

Why let someone else determine if you’re happy or not?

Someone said to me, “You look happy today!”

Why shouldn’t I be?

Men Ruined Dating

…yes, I’m saying men ruined dating. Why? Well, for the most part, men are devoted players with phobias for commitment and settling down. They’re devoted to the method of being pick-up artists while tallying the number of times they scored along the way.

Excuse me while I take a few seconds… to laugh hysterically:

Really, dude?

If I took ten guys at random, how many do you think actually know seduction tactics? How many do you think successfully pickup girls they don’t know? I’m not talking about the guys who “say” they know; I’m talking about the guys who really know.

Not many.

For myself, I’d say I don’t know much either. It’s rare to meet someone with real skills, not alleged.

Also, for what it’s worth, a study at the CDC found that the median number of lifetime sexual partners for men between 25 – 44 is… [drumroll please]

6.1

This doesn’t sound like “devoted players” to me. (Maybe if you’re Amish.)

Now, I agree that a lot of seduction tactics are crummy and women would be right to say that many of those guys are full of shit.

But I want to take a sec and stand up for the guys because there’s a reason why seductive arts exist. Here’s the truth:

“Nice guys” will stop becoming “players” when “nice guys” finally get laid.

To the men out there, are you quiet, shy, and introverted? (i.e. were you me as a teenager?) Hmm, I’ll wager that your dating prospects probably aren’t very good. Maybe you even once listened to bad advice and proclaimed your adoration of a girl… only to have her reject you and pick someone else. (Thankfully, I was never that bad.)

On the seduction forums worldwide, the vast majority of questions from newbies always fit this template:

I like this girl a lot, but I don’t know how to get her.

Where else do they turn? To other guys? (Talk about “the blind leading the blind.”) To girls? Although women have experience being women, they have ZERO experience dating women.

My point?

There’s so much fear, confusion, and pain in the seduction community. The reason why a lot of guys find those forums in the first place is because they had their hearts broken.

I’m not squarely blaming men OR women. I’m just sharing insights about the PUA community no one ever talks about.

What I’m Doing Instead

As a result of my newfound resolution to discontinue dating, I decided to try something different, to live my life by learning new life skills, which became easier when I stopped focusing on dating.

I applaud this section.

Men, do you know how to find the woman of your dreams?

First become the man of your dreams.

Build the mind, the body, and the spirit. Find joy and happiness. Immerse yourself in enriching hobbies and passions. Strive for excellence. Dream! Risk! Live!

And don’t do this because you think this is what “women want.”

Do it because this is what YOU want.

With dating, women come and go, but you are forever.

“Okay, Anthony… then why am I still single?!”

Like an overplayed Fatman Scoop song, allow me to address all the single people in my audience.

Guys (and gals), there are a lot of fallacies with being single. Some you might know, some you might not want to hear, but I’m going to “break it down” for you like an 80’s hip-hop song.

Being Single Is A Choice

When you’re single, you’re choosing it.

Think about it.

Every one of you probably has a girl on your dick (or vice versa, if you’re a chick). She wants you — and you know she wants you — but you would rather impale yourself with a plastic knife than date her.

You’re choosing to be single. You think you can do better so you want to do better.

GOOD.

This is huge and necessary shift in thinking.

Being Single Isn’t A Knowledge Issue

People in relationships don’t “know more” about finding a partner than those who are single. In fact, just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they know fuck-all about finding a partner.

And gee whiz, they might even pity you and give you advice on how to “get girls.” Worse, you’ll go online and look for advice… WRITTEN FROM WOMEN:

• “Just be yourself.”
• “Tell her how you feel.”
• “Buy them flowers.”

But the fisherman doesn’t ask the fish for advice.

Guys, dating advice from women — not all women, but most of them — is pure crap. Why? Well, there are several reasons. First, as I said before, women have no experience dating women. Sure, they might know how to fit into a Size 5 when they’re a Size 7, but they have no idea what to do if they find themselves at #3 in some chick’s depth chart. Talk about shoes and shopping? Yeah… if you want to be her gay best friend.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

The second and more blunt reason is that women often have no idea what the HELL they really want. It’s like playing chess with a Tyrannosaurus Rex; even if you win, you’re still fucked (and it’s not even their fault)!

They’ll say they want a “nice guy,” but then summarily reject every nice guy who steps to the plate for being needy, soft, desperate, and not take-charge enough. They’ll want him to do all the chivalrous things that men “used to do,” but then complain why — even after a cataclysmic shift in gender roles over the past 50 years — women still have to “act feminine.” Grr!

Guys, there was a time (not even that long ago) when “men” used to stand up when a “lady” entered the room. But where are those “ladies” anymore? Heck, where are those “men?” They’ve gone the way of the Dodo bird.

And guys, women know it too! Read this article from a female dating coach that ACTUALLY captures the confusion guys feel. Here’s a snippet:

[Written to women readers] You can’t sit here and whine that you want guys to step it up. Approach you. Ask you out. Be chivalrous. Take the lead and do all of the things when you aren’t stepping up. You can’t give fake numbers, lie about why you are not interested or just drop off the face of the earth without any reason at all.

I admit, in my early-20’s, I’ve “dropped off the face of the Earth” before. And I felt like shit doing it. I made a promise to myself never to let that happen again, man up, and say in the most polite way, “I think we should go our separate ways and I wish you the best of luck in everything. You’re a great person. Always remember that.”

Yet despite this, I’ve been flaked on far, far, FAR more than I’ve flaked on others. (That, my friends, is the understatement of the year… hell, girls have ASKED me to take their number only to never respond to my texts.) For me, I’ll keep approaching, but think of the guys who have a little less experience or whatever.

It’ll shell-shock them after a while.

But all women aren’t that hypocritical, Anthony! You’re absolutely correct. Yet another reason why women (and men too) have no idea what they want is that what people find attractive and arousing is so finicky that it can be artificially increased with the right stimulus. Put in another way, you’ll have no idea what you really want until it’s standing in front of you and peeing on your foot.

Being Single Isn’t The Opposite of “The Promise Land

Kill the the notion of some imaginary “relationship Disneyland” where all the best rides have no lines, beer and French fries are health foods, and every meal comes with twins.

Many people settle because they would rather be in any relationship than be alone.

And this is where I feel bad for women. Because they still have way more pressure to find love, get married, and have kids than men ever do (and will ever do).

So settling is what happens.

I remember attending a wedding in Taipei and talking about it to a girl I was dating at the time.
“I feel kind of sad for them,” I said.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because — I have this bad feeling that they’re getting married because it’s just ‘the next thing to do,’ you know? Like, ‘Okay, we’ve dated for X years. Why not just take it to the next level?'”

It’s a classic case of the economic principle, “sunk cost.” Psychologically speaking, the longer you’re in a relationship, the harder it is to leave it because you feel that you’ve “sunk” so much time into it (also called “Commitment and Consistency“). But the truth is that the time what was “sunk” is already lost. And much like spilt milk, there’s no point crying about it if it’s in the past.

Relationships are no “Promise Lands.” The only Promise Land is living a good life and being the best you can be.

Being Single Isn’t A Failure

Alas! I have no girl! I’m sad! Boo hoo!

Fuck this mentality.

The real failure is being in a shitty relationship with a shitty partner. The real failure is settling for “good enough” instead of searching for great. The real failure is focusing more about a girl than focusing on yourself, your own goals, and your own progression. The real failure is HAVING no goals, no dreams, and no ambition. The BEST analogy I’ve ever heard about relationships is this:

You should be like a bird, flying, singing, and full of life. Women want to find a great bird and put it in a cage.

Wouldn’t you think there’s something wrong with the bird that wants to fly into captivity? Enjoy your life! Follow your passions! Why are you so caught up with being in a cage?

Sometimes I hear guys say, “Being single sucks.” Or worse, “I wish I was Indian so they could arrange marriages.”

Besides being a really bad stereotype, you’re basically saying you want to relinquish your own sovereignty on one of the few things you can control in your life: who you date.

Take What You Want

Nowadays, it sometimes seems that being “masculine” is a dirty word. Well, it is if you’re being a dick and trying gimmicky bullshit that treats women horribly.

But it’s not if you’re actually being masculine.

Masculine men don’t sit around wondering if some girl likes them or not. Masculine men don’t debate to themselves whether or not they should approach or pursue a girl they find attractive.

They go for it and let the chips fall where they may.

The girl isn’t interested? Good. As someone once told me, thank her for saying “no.” Thank her?! What would you rather have? A girl that has no whims of her own or a girl who stands for something? This girl basically told you, in a very polite way, that she’s not the girl for you. Great! Wish her the best of luck and move on.

Unfortunately, in our modern era, most girls won’t say “no” — instead, they’ll give you a very noncommittal answer. They’ll say things like “not right now,” “I’m busy,” or “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Worse, some will drop off the face of the Earth (as previously mentioned by that female dating coach). For many guys, they take it at face value and continue to pursue because, hey, she didn’t say no, right?

The harsh truth is that all those excuses are bull and textbook signs of low interest (but you’ll have to learn how to sniff this out yourself).

Yet none of this matters if you follow the last step…

Strive For Excellence

Want to know how to survive a recession?

Want to know how to survive a bad breakup?

Want to know how to survive getting fired?

Want to know how to survive any number of spiritual, emotional, or physical disasters?

Become the best you can be.

I hear guys complain about the dating scene only to find out they haven’t read a book since college. Or they’ve put on 30lbs since college. Or they’re working a job where they would rather walk barefoot over a mile of broken beer bottles than go to work. Or their friends all talk shit about each other and no one gets ahead.

Worse, once they FINALLY get a girl, they’ll promptly ditch all their male friends and see them once every few months.

Gentleman, what the fuck are we doing?!

The point of the original article on Elite Daily was to immerse yourself in your own hobbies and passions. My point is become the best guy you can possibly be.

Yes, that’s hard work. Yes, there’s no guarantee it’ll get you a girl.

But I don’t see any other way.

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.
— Hindu Proverb

Thoughts? Opinions? Hate me? Love me? Leave a comment!