Last year, I wrote an article about the little signs that can tell you a lot about people, which went viral.
It was read over a quarter million times on Medium and received over 21,200 claps.
One of those signs was: “How their car looks.” I purposely wrote it in a way that wouldn’t disparage anyone. (After all, that’s not the point of that sign; the point was how people can infer suprisingly accurate things about you from looking inside your home or car within a few minutes.)
But the Medium army still decided to strike. Many people started getting defensive and they hit the comments section.
Yet it was bizarre because every single one of them completely missed the point of the article and started using logical fallacies.
They saw the one thing that stung them (since “a hit dog will holler”) and it was enough for them to pounce. Then they started getting personal and judgmental. “You must be _____.”
Arguing against their comments was like shooting fish in a barrel lol.
But this phenomenon is symptomatic of another issue.
Nothing in the article should theoretically “trigger” someone. And even if someone disagreed with my point, that’s fine—but there’s no real reason to get angry and start attacking.
They were getting triggered for reasons that didn’t even any make sense.
So it leads to a very simple, yet important question that can transform your relationships and your life:
When you get emotional, can you actually feel you’re emotional?
The Most Important Life Skill
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The most important life skill you can cultivate is self-awareness—and it’s one of the rarest qualities of all.
Our research revealed many surprising roadblocks, myths, and truths about what self-awareness is and what it takes to improve it. We’ve found that even though most people believe they are self-aware, self-awareness is a truly rare quality: We estimate that only 10%–15% of the people we studied actually fit the criteria.
— Tasha Eurich, Ph.D.
What does self-awareness actually mean?
It’s quite nuanced and complex—and there are various kinds of self-awareness—but basically, self-awareness (specifically “internal self-awareness”) refers to your ability to clearly see your own behaviors, thoughts, feelings, etc. For example, can you sense when you’re feeling irrationally upset, agitated, or frustrated?
Some mornings, after I wake up and go through my morning routine, I can tell I’m feeling I’m a little irritated. So I just sit with it. I feel it. I ask myself if there’s something that might be causing it.
Maybe I had a difficult conversation with someone recently. Maybe I ate something that didn’t sit well with me. Maybe I didn’t sleep very well. Maybe I’m under the weather. Maybe I stressed about something that’s going to happen in the near future. (Or all the above.)
And if I can’t find a logical reason, then I just tell myself, “Well, I’m just going to be more irritated than normal today and I have to keep that in mind.”
That way, as I go through the day, I won’t lash out at everyone else for irritating me—I’ll know that I’m not at a normal baseline and that I should be extra careful.
Interestingly enough, a super easy (and humbling) way to get more self-awareness is to see what you don’t like in other people.
What pisses you off about other people? What upsets you? What triggers you disproportionally more than others? What are your pet peeves?
Well, be very, very careful because there’s a great chance that you possess those same exact qualities—that’s why you hate them in other people.
This is called “projection,” and it’s something that should be taught in every school around the world (but instead, they teach us really “useful” stuff like the Pythagorean Theorem).
To those unfamiliar with projection on the Ego Level, this mechanism initially seems most perplexing and occasionally ridiculous, for it implies that those things which most disturb us in other people are really unrecognized aspects of ourselves. This idea is usually met with resentful, bitter opposition. Yet, as Freud pointed out, violent denial is the very mark of projection; that is, if we didn’t deny it, we wouldn’t be projecting! The fact remains, however, that “it takes one to know one,” and our carping criticisms of other people are really nothing but unrecognized bits of autobiography. If you want to know what a person is really like, listen to what he says about other people.
— Ken Wilber
When I’m upset at someone, the first thing I (try to) think is, “Am I just projecting my own frustrations at this person?” (This question will do wonders for your friendships and relationships, by the way.)
I still screw up sometimes, but that’s OK. I’m still learning.
But the key is that you have to try.
For example, recently, I wrote an article and got a comment from someone who accused me of being shallow because of one sentence they didn’t like. I had no clue how that sentence could’ve been interpreted as “shallow” so it felt like they were getting upset and offended for no reason.
I paid no attention.
Well, a few days later, I read a different article on Medium and—surprise surprise—this same person wrote a comment accusing that author of being shallow… again!
Yowza, they see shallowness everywhere—so psychologically speaking, the odds are pretty good they themselves are shallow.
How to Build The Skill
There are three exercises that really helped me improve my self-awareness. They’re all easy to do and they don’t take a lot of time.
But the key is that you must do them and do them consistently to see results.
That, my friends, is what separates the winners from everyone else. Everyone else says, “Oh, I know that already,” but then they don’t do them (and probably never will). Winners, however, say, “I’m going try this for a few weeks and see what happens.”
So don’t just read this and think, “I should try that sometime.” Add it to your routines and see what happens. I promise you that you’ll like your results.
Here are the three things.
First, meditate. Meditation is one of the most powerful things you can do for your life. Why?
Because it helps you become aware—aware of what’s going on around you and, more importantly, aware of what’s going on inside of you. You can sense when your body is tight. You can feel when certain areas are carrying more tension than other areas. You can watch your mind, your thoughts, and your feelings without judging them or stifling them.
By becoming aware, you’re taking the first enormous step in understanding the patterns and reactions that you have. And by becoming aware of them, you can gently start to let go of them.
The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.
— Nathaniel Branden
Second, journal. Journaling has brought so much healing and growth into my life. It helps me see what I’m thinking so I can analyze it, dissect it, and create new thought patterns to replace unsupportive ones and, ultimately, live a more fulfilling life.
I used to journal for several hours every single day, uncovering buried memories from decades ago, but you don’t need to do anything as complex to get good results.
Instead, I recommend, after you wake up in the morning, to grab a notebook and just spend five minutes writing down your thoughts. How you’re feeling. What’s on your mind today. What you’ve been stressing about. What you’re excited about. What you felt during your dreams. Etc.
I won’t give you any journaling prompts because I want this to be a free-flowing exercise—let whatever happens, happen.
Just the act of getting whatever thoughts are swirling in your mind onto a piece of paper will tremendously help you gain more awareness, detachment, objectiveness, and even control over your thoughts. Through this exercise, it’s as if you become the conduit of what’s going on deep inside your being.
And the more you do it, the better you get at being able to dig through the layers and express what’s going on inside—and you can use that to become more self-aware.
Also, as a bonus, if you get into a situation where you feel upset, embarrassed, guilty, or triggered, journal your experience.
What happened? What caused you to feel that way? Why did it sting you so badly? Does it remind you of something in your past? What if the cause of your emotions was something else? What if it was projection?
Third, challenge yourself.
Challenge your assumptions. Challenge your beliefs. Challenge your way of life. Get honest, constructive feedback.
I still have room for improvement on this, but this is huge. You can have a trusted friend give you some candid feedback or you can hire a coach to point out your current weaknesses and how you can improve.
Most importantly, be willing to hear what you don’t want to hear. When it’s coming from a place of love, it might sting for a little bit, but it will lead to a tremendous amount of growth in your life.
I hope this helps.
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