My Friend Challenged Me To Try Online Dating… Then Shit Went Down

Warning: I swear a lot in this article and make rude comments. So (1) please do not take this seriously and (2) grab some boba and enjoy!

Recently, one of my good female friends encouraged/challenged/pleaded with me to try OkCupid and — like I do with all the other things I don’t care about — I changed the subject and ignored her. That is, until she physically sat me down and helped me make my profile.

Touché.

So there I was sitting in that cafe with my friend, sporting a new profile, a swanky photo of my rejected Muscle&Fitness headshot, an “adventury” photo of me climbing Gwanaksan in Seoul, South Korea, and decent blend of wittiness and intelligence. (Hey, she helped me write it.)

Next came the questions. Holy fuck — I haven’t taken a quiz in years and it showed.

“Skip… skip… skip…”

There were questions on love, romance, dating habits, philosophical questions, politics, morality, etc. “Why the fuck am I answering all these questions?” I thought. “I don’t even KNOW the girl yet. I’d rather figure out if we’re a good fit FIRST before figuring out how many times I want to fuck after I get married.” (Which is a real question in OkCupid.) It was exhausting — and hilarious — but we got through enough questions to get an accurate match percentage and start browsing profiles. (After seeing this powerful article, I also made the executive decision to NOT list my height just so I wouldn’t get weeded out by filters.)

“What’s a ‘Special Blend’?” I asked.
“Ha, I have no clue.”
“Gotcha.”
We scrolled down a row or two until I pointed at the screen.
“Oooh, she looks nice,” I said.
“Okay. Click her.”
We cracked open her shell and, after a few silent moments, my right eyebrow rose.
“Uhh…,” I muttered, “this bitch sounds like she really, really loves herself.”
“Hahaha! Oh man, she does!”

Online dating must be where the freaks hang out. The woman we read bragged incessantly about all her goddamn achievements — dancing with so-and-so celebrity, traveling to this-and-that faraway place, etc. I mean, hey, it’s great that she did all those things, but it was written in such a conceited way that my female friend also called her on her bullshit. Another woman wrote a profile that rivaled War and Peace in length. (Let’s also not forget about the “serial daters.”)

Then, we stumbled on the demanding profiles. “You should only message me if… You’re interesting. Tell me a story. Tell me a joke. Entertain me.” Dafuq? Excuse my French, but who the fuck are you? Yeah, I’ll tell you a story… the story’s called “The Girl Who Didn’t Get What She Wanted.” Starring you.

Finally, we found a few normal girls and collectively crafted some nice introduction messages after reading and analyzing their profiles. Some girls were interesting and funny and some girls even read the same books I did. Cool. That night, we sent out four messages.

I got zero responses.

Now, trust me, I am well aware that rejection is part of the dating game. (I’ve been blown out in public many a time before including one rather painful rejection in a BART station in San Francisco.) But in all seriousness, I can’t remember the last time I went 0-for-4 on just greetings. And in even more seriousness… well… how can I delicately put this…?

…they weren’t exactly supermodels.

Okay. Fine. Whatever. I set it aside for a few weeks and, every few days, I got pinged by OkCupid via email about some new matches that I ignored. My friend and I also shared the same password on my account so she could check in for me; she even sent me a few texts about girls who visited my profile and messaged me. Then I got this seemingly canned email from OkCupid:

We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.

We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch. Did you get a new haircut or something?
Well, it’s working!

Sure. That must be why, after Round 2 with my same friend, I’m batting a perfect 0-for-10: 10 messages sent, 0 responses. (Must be the hair.) I tried following my friend’s advice and messaging girls with high match ratings. I also lowered my selectivity because I know how tricky photos can be — although a lot of women boasted several super-professional photos.

Still nothing.

Yikes. I don’t even do this bad in real life. I’m no Casanova, but I get a few hair-twirls and flirty looks every now and then. But geez, not even a reply? From these women?!

Okay, that sounded assholish of me. But I don’t think I’ve ever gone 0-for-10 outside of a South Korean nightclub. (And even then, it was probably only 0-for-5, for the record.) Okay. Fine. Whatever. Only rookies take this shit personally — that is, until I met up with my buddy for drinks in Santa Monica.

Standing along the ledge of the rooftop bar, he asked me point-blank, “Have you ever tried OkCupid?”
I burst out laughing.
“Dude! I just created my profile like a week ago!” I said.
“What do you think?”
“Nothing so far.”
“Yeah. Same man. I’ve sent a bunch of messages, but got nothing. Honestly, I just think it’s a way for some women to feel important about themselves.”

I momentarily blacked out as I almost died of laughter.

It’s fucking true! I mean, think about it: if you’re an attractive woman, you’re probably getting dozens of messages per day. Now, subtract the penis photos (yes, I heard about those) and incoherent babble and she’s probably averaging twelve good ones a week. Twelve. I seriously doubt attractive women are getting thoughtfully chatted up, in real life, twelve times a week. Again, subtracting the obvious perverts (like me, right?).

Now, since they’re all queued up and compared side by side, all she has to do is pick the hottest dude with a decent profile. Boom. Now her weekend plans are set. But you can’t do this in real life — in real life, girls are not only unable to compare, but are also able to factor in confidence, courage, vibe, etc. with a dude’s approach. Thus, women (and maybe some men) can inflate their choosiness online. Do you know how I know this?

Because I’ve done it!

One time, in Chiang Mai, three friends and I went to a massage parlor (a legit one, not a creepy “happy ending” one). After we changed into our robes, I walked out of the bathroom to find every masseuse on duty lining the narrow hallway with weird smiles on their faces.

“Uhh…,” I stammered. “What the hell’s going on?”
“Well,” said the head lady, “all the women think you are very attractive and they all want to massage you. So, you get to pick who you want.”
“Oh.”

Who do you think I picked?

Get the fuck outta here, of course picked the hottest one. I’m human! We all are!

So I quit.

I don’t want to date like that.

*

Ultimately, my career in OkCupid was shorter than Tim Tebow’s NFL career… but not as short as Johnny Manziel’s will be (zing!). All joking aside, I learned a lot of interesting things.

One, a lot of people just don’t have the chance to meet singles in their daily lives. Work, family, friends, etc. sucks all their time — how else will they meet new people? And for that, I think online dating is great. Two, it’s great for people who are “tired of the dating scene” and just want more stability. (Of course, I’d love to see how many people they’ve actually dated to be tired of it in the first place.) Three, while I favor meeting people out-and-about, it’s hard and tiring to approach every potential woman you see. Many of them are also in relationships (or in high school), taking them out of candidacy and forcing you to wade through awkward conversation after awkward conversation.

Yet, when I was online, I felt so unnatural and forced. I felt like I had to impress or say something witty, intelligent, poetic, etc… just to get a goddamn reply. I felt the need to demonstrate a cool life in my profile whereas, in real life, I couldn’t give a shit less — to me, it’s more about being a cool person because a cool person can make anything fun. And when I meet a girl for the first time, I’ll ask about her interests to appreciate what they do, not to judge them to see if we’d be good mates eight months from now.

In real life (and note that I have to keep saying “real life” to differentiate it from online dating), I can also blurt out something stupid, smile, and still get a decent response from a pretty girl I’ve never met before. There’s a fun-ness to it — almost like a new, adorably nervous adventure that two people can share. Real life says: “That cute girl is looking at you from across the way; act, and you shall be rewarded accordingly for your courage.” Online dating, however, strips that boldness and pizzazz away.

But who knows… maybe I’ll pick it back up again.

Hopefully, not anytime soon.

Have you tried OkCupid before? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Do you think it’s stacked against men? Don’t care? Just want to talk about boba? Comment below!