I struggled to deal with conflict for most of my life.
Growing up, I never learned how to solve issues with family, friends, or strangers. If anything, it was the opposite: My parents regularly had screaming matches and their advice was the “blind leading the blind.”
Over the past few years, however, I committed to learning how to handle conflict (and unlearning what I did before) and the journey changed my life. I still make mistakes — like any person—but I’ve been able to avoid a lot of unnecessary disputes, keep calm under pressure, and create better outcomes.
While there’s no “one way” to solve every disagreement, I’ve learned a simple framework that has revolutionized how I manage conflict. It’s helped me build deeper relationships and enjoy more peace of mind—and I hope it helps you too:
1. Choose Your Circle Wisely
Because the vast majority of conflict is with other people, it’s critical to invite the right people into our lives so we can avoid unnecessary problems.
Sure, there are certain people we can’t choose (ex. our family), but we can choose our friends, our partners, and who we talk to. So before letting them into your life, always assess their personalities.
Do their lives seem peaceful or full of drama? How do they talk about other people? How do they manage conflict with others? (That, by the way, will potentially be how they’ll manage conflict with you.)
Nobody’s perfect, but if they align with your values and you notice they’re actively trying to improve their skills, that’s a great sign. Because if you want to avoid as much conflict as possible in your relationships, the best time to prevent it is before the relationship begins.
The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.
― Sun Tzu, “The Art of War”
This tip alone will save you a lot of stress and aggravation and prevent a lot of problems.
2. Strengthen Your Character
If someone lies and cheats or they’re rude, arrogant, and insulting, they will always have conflict in their life.
Ultimately, you cannot successfully resolve conflict if you are the source of conflict—so to eliminate it, eliminate any conflict from within.
For example, some people argue because they want to “win”—they need to be right and the other person to be wrong. In this case, however, it’s obvious the conflict isn’t about whatever topic is being disputed: It’s actually about that person’s insecurity and lack of self-esteem. It’s about them wanting to have moral superiority and punish another person. It’s about their inability to accept other opinions or beliefs.
Cleanse yourself of internal issues. Strive to become a person of good character, integrity, and ethics. That way, you can avoid needless problems because you’re not bringing them into daily life.
3. Deactivate Your “Buttons”
We all have sensitive areas or topics that make us overly emotional. When people “push” these buttons, it easily creates conflict.
What are your buttons? What do you not like? A great step to managing conflict is to become aware of what triggers you in the first place.
From there, work to “deactivate” your buttons so they no longer upset you. I’ve learned that most of my triggers were prejudices, behaviors, projections, or knee-jerk reactions that I was taught for most of my life. (Hell, I didn’t even know why I felt that way!)
Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.
— Epictetus
In the meantime, as you’re working to resolve those sensitive areas, avoid situations where those buttons get pressed. If certain things annoy you, minimize your exposure until you can get a better handle on your emotions.
4. Avoid Fallacies
Fallacies are common errors in reasoning that will undermine the logic of your argument. Fallacies can be either illegitimate arguments or irrelevant points, and are often identified because they lack evidence that supports their claim.
— Purdue University, LINK
Arguments are often infected with “logical fallacies.” So if you want to successfully manage conflict, learn how to handle the most common ones.
For example, a popular one is a Hasty Generalization where someone makes a claim based on very little evidence. For example, they meet an angry person from Country A and assume that everyone from Country A is angry. (This can lead to misinformation, stereotypes, and more.)
By knowing you’re dealing with a logical fallacy, you won’t get sucked into an altercation; instead, you can calmly deconstruct their argument, realize its flaws, and avoid getting upset. Then, when you make a point, you can make a sound and fair case and avoid worsening the situation.
5. Focus On The Topic
An unfortunate issue with conflicts is they escalate out of control. At first, there’s a tiny disagreement; the next thing you know, there’s a full-on shouting matching.
One reason is that they get “personal” — rather than focusing on the disagreement itself, someone starts to attack your character, personality, or way of life. Maybe they belittle you and say, “How could you be so stupid?!” Or maybe they hit “below the belt” or bring up past mistakes.
If you fail to spot the personal attack, however, you might defend yourself and return the attack, which creates more hostility. But if you recognize it, you can prevent them from getting personal (or just leave the situation).
Try focusing on the issue at hand rather than making personal attacks and saying something about your partner that you will probably later regret. Arguments can be tough to get through, but you still want to demonstrate mutual respect towards each other.
—Gina Delucca, Ph.D., LINK
To successfully manage conflict, avoid personal attacks (try making “I-statements” instead of “you-statements”), aggressive or insulting behavior, or straying off-topic. Also, learn to recognize when someone isn’t willing to listen or just wants to argue for the sake of arguing.
This will help you maintain your peace of mind and sanity during a disagreement and help you avoid unresolvable situations.
6. Focus on the Best Outcome
When resolving conflict, ask: “How do I want to feel?”
Let’s say you don’t get along with a coworker. (I know the feeling.) How do you want the two of you to feel about each other moving forward? What’s the ideal outcome?
Is it to win? Is it to make them feel bad? If so, how can you truly resolve conflict if you want to maintain it?
When dealing with conflict, I want to feel like I’m acting fair, being transparent, and respecting their boundaries and mine. I might try to learn more about the situation and see if we can avoid it in the future. And I definitely want to reach an understanding that will serve us moving forward.
The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.
—Joseph Joubert
If I can do that, I’ll have done everything possible in my control.
7. Always Say Something
Growing up, I often avoided confrontation because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or “make things worse.”
But those were just lies.
First, I was afraid to hurt someone’s feelings: I was afraid to have someone think poorly of me, and I was afraid of not having everyone “approve” of me or like me. Second, staying quiet never made anything better in my life—all it did was bottle my emotions and lead to passive-aggressiveness, which made everything worse.
The only way I got better at managing conflict was to use each situation as an opportunity to learn—it was through putting myself into the heart of a disagreement, acting to the best of my abilities, and not being afraid of the outcome.
Ultimately, dealing with conflict is not about violence, swearing at someone, or being rude. It’s about discussing an issue in a firm, fair, and civil way. It’s about respecting yourself, respecting the other person, and trying to find a successful solution.
Life will never be free of conflict, but if you make the effort to learn how to skillfully handle those situations, you can unlock a lot of life-changing benefits and enjoy more peace of mind throughout your days.
I hope these tips help.
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