For many years, I’ve told myself a simple motto:
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I regularly repeat that mantra in my head because I really try to live my life that way. It’s not always possible—for various reasons—but to the best of my abilities (and given the situations), I really try.
There are a lot of great benefits whether for your peace of mind, happiness, mental health, relationships, social life, and much more. I’ll explain how and how you can incorporate it into your life:
First, it makes life so much easier.
When I was in high school, one of the guys in my squad was, uh, how you say… a serial liar.
I mean, the dude lied about everything.
Granted, we were still friends with him because he was a good guy at heart and the lies weren’t malicious. (He just told them to inflate his ego a bit and make him seem like somebody he wanted to be, but actually wasn’t.)
Yet one thing I noticed was just how difficult it made his life. Because rather than just having a normal conversation, he had to keep a huge mental database of all his lies. He had to track and remember every stray comment he said and everything had to align, otherwise, his lies wouldn’t make any sense.
In other words, he had to spend so much mental energy managing all of his lies so that there was some semblance of continuity. (i.e. he couldn’t fly to the moon on Tuesday morning and then swim across the English channel Tuesday afternoon. It wouldn’t add up.)
I always thought it was kind of sad just how difficult everything had to be. I mean, it takes a lot of energy to manage one life; now you have to spend extra energy trying to manage 4 or 5 imaginary lives.
And all of that shit could’ve been easily avoided if he just told the truth—as uninteresting or uninspiring it might seem.
Compare that to the opposite: To always mean what you say. How would that feel?
You could go to bed every night never stressing about something false you said.
You never have to worry about getting “found out” or “caught.”
You’ll never feel the stinging condemnation and criticism when people find out you lied (however small).
You can hang your hat knowing you did right… and you can let the chips fall where they may.
It might not necessarily make you more popular, but it’ll definitely make your life easier.
Second, you’re only as good as the standards you uphold in life.
But keep in mind: Those standards are always being tested by life.
(Whether it’s by other people, situations, pressure, stress, etc.)
And you cannot let other factors erode your integrity.
I’ll give you a pretty simple, common, and interesting example.
I’ve been doing online dating for well over a year now and, honestly, I’m astonished and appalled at how flaky people are.
They’ll agree to things (dates, calls, etc.) and then back out at the last minute, they’ll “ghost” and you’ll never hear from them again, they’ll take days to respond to a simple message, or they just exhibit childish behavior.
Once or twice is fine—after all, things happen in life and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt—but of the many people I’ve matched with, easily over 90% of them act this way.
Now, I assure you that I do not mimic that kind of behavior.
Even though I don’t know these people, I still try to hold myself to a high standard and treat everyone with respect and courtesy.
When I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it. When someone requests something, I’ll either agree or decline without stringing along the other person in a cesspool of “maybes,” “we’ll see’s,” and “I’m not sure’s.”
And if I have to cancel something for unforeseen circumstances, I will let the other person know immediately and try to reschedule things.
But…
…when I’m besieged by hoards of people who do none of the above—and when it’s been done to me a million-and-a-half times—it becomes so easy to feel “meh” about everything.
It gets to the point where, if I don’t want to respond or I’m not that interested, I start feeling like I should flake.
After all, if they don’t give a fuck, why should I… right?
But the second I start thinking those thoughts, I mentally shake myself.
I stand tall, I remind myself of who I am and who I want to be, and I continue to act the right way.
Look, when I write articles, keep this in mind: I’m always writing articles to myself, first and foremost. I’m not calling anyone out in my articles except for yours truly so this article is more like a reminder to me in the moment. (I’m also not calling out women; men do this too so we all need to be better.)
It’s a reminder that I can’t control what other people do…
…but I can always, always control my integrity.
I can always control how I act and behave.
If people don’t mirror that, then so be it.
If people don’t care or don’t like it, then so be it too.
Again, your character is always being tested.
But at the same time, your character is always being revealed.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
— Malcolm Forbes
And even if no one is watching, you’re still watching yourself.
A part of you is always watching your own behaviors to learn about yourself. (It’s called “self-signaling.”)
And the more you do things that you (consciously) don’t approve of, the easier it becomes to do it again and again.
Sometimes, having integrity and ethics requires you to say things that might be hard for other people to hear. Obviously, you don’t need to be a jackass about it (I hope that goes without saying), but you still need to say what needs to be said.
Sometimes people applaud that.
Sometimes people shun that.
I’ve been called “blunt” and a “straight-shooter” and it’s either been said with reverence or criticism.
But that’s the price you have to pay sometimes to make sure you’re as honest and clear as possible, saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.
The risk of insult is the price of clarity. To be clearly understood one must speak the simple, essential truth as plainly as he is able.
— Roy H. Williams
How To Do It
It’s simple:
Be sincere.
Don’t say, “We should grab lunch sometime!” when you have absolutely zero fucking intention of ever seeing that person again. There’s nothing bad or unethical with just saying, “Great meeting you. Have a good rest of your day.” (Or if it wasn’t great to meet them, just say, “Well, I have to go now. Have a great rest of your day.”
(This the “mean what you say” part.)
Be impeccable with your words.
If you agree to meet or call a person at a certain time, do it. If you can’t make that time, let them know and then try to reschedule. (After all, it’s your job to reschedule if you’re the one who canceled it and created the inconvenience in the first place.)
If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you can’t, let them know. (Overcommunicate if you have to.)
And if you didn’t want to do it in the first place, don’t agree to something you don’t want to do. It might be hard because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but trust me, it’s a lot worse to agree to something and then back out at the last second.
Obviously, things happen in life and, sometimes, everything I just wrote goes out the window. That’s fine. But it’s how you handle those moments that show a lot of your character too.
Because if you regularly fail to “say what you mean,” it gives you a bad reputation and hurts your own self-trust.
How you do one thing is how you do everything.
Finally, speak from the heart.
Be vulnerable. Be honest with your needs, your desires, your goals, your values, and more. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re trying to force your way into getting those things; but at least you’re being upfront and transparent about them so other people can make their own decisions.
You don’t need to be brilliant to have healthy relationships. You just need to be real and genuine. You need to be present and actually care about other people… It will also require you to be honest about your values, beliefs, and goals. If you can’t be honest with others about who you are and who you want to be, your relationships will be shallow.
— Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.
Don’t talk about what they “need to do;” talk about how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking.
Not everyone will respond well to this. After all, there are a lot of people who, no matter how politely, respectfully, or psychologically supported you explain yourself, will still get upset and take things the wrong way.
But, again, sometimes that’s the price you have to pay for clarity.
The benefit, however, is that the people who do stay are people that will be with you for a very long time.
Speaking for myself, whenever someone talks to me like this, I always respect them more — no matter how hard it might be to hear in the short term.
Because I know I’ll never have to wonder or worry about what they’re thinking; I know they will always be transparent and honest with me—and those are the kinds of people I want in my life.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
If not for others, then at least for yourself.
Again, you’re always proving your character.
So take a big step forward and reap the benefits.
Leave a Reply