Things have changed quite a bit over the past few years.
It’s becoming more and more acceptable for us to talk about our mental health issues and less and less “stigmatized” to tend to our own needs and care for our own mental health.
I think this is awesome.
From famous athletes and celebrities to major corporations, there’s a huge trend towards being transparent about internal issues and taking care of ourselves.
But it sure as hell ain’t easy.
In fact, depending on your situation, your history, your obligations, and more, it can be an extremely difficult and uncomfortable thing to do.
Sometimes, “self-care” means having to put other obligations aside while you “do you.”
And sometimes, people in your life might not like it.
Other times, maybe other people are completely fine with it, but you who thinks it’s selfish. For example, maybe you want to do all these nice things for yourself, but it just feels like putting yourself first is selfish—and that you should really think of others.
In this article, I’ll break down some ways you can overcome these barriers—whether external or internal—so you can take care of yourself and feel your best over and over again.
When Others Tell You You’re Selfish
Sometimes, people will tell you that you’re being selfish for prioritizing yourself over others.
But are you?
First, look at the person who’s telling you this. What’s their track record? Do you really admire and respect their opinion because it’s usually valuable and truthful? Or do they have a history of, somehow, making you do things against your will?
For example, just last week, I had a family member condemn me for being “anti-family.” But then again, their criticism and attack basically confirmed exactly why I distance myself from them in the first place.
This person is a “habitual line stepper.”
They frequently violate my boundaries, leaving me feeling like they forced themselves on me and I had to give in… because they’re “family.”
Rather than let them gaslight me and make me think that it’s my fault, I had to look at the accuser and realize it was a pattern that they’ve had (for the past 30+ years) where they tried to manipulate their way into getting what they want.
Chances are, if this person was really someone you want in your life, they wouldn’t have a problem with you prioritizing your own needs.
Also, keep in mind, a lot of people are deceptively imposing. They’ll ask you for all kinds of favors whether big or small. “Hey, can you pick me up from the airport?” or “Since you’re headed downstairs, can you take this with you?”
They corner you into doing things on their behalf in a way that makes it hard to disagree. But in those moments, you really need to stand firm and just say, “no.”
Sometimes, you might find out the hard way that the people currently in your life aren’t as supportive as you thought they were. Maybe they just liked having you around because you would do almost anything for them. Or maybe they just have personality traits that conflict with your values.
Because of that, it’s time to start distancing yourself from these people.
They’re not going to change.
When You Feel You’re Being Selfish
It took me a while to mentally feel okay with prioritizing my needs first—and it’s still something I have to work on—but I want to share how I was able to overcome it.
Because we live in a world where we want to help people and we want to help those who are closest to us.
That’s never really going to “stop.”
So sometimes, putting yourself first and prioritizing “me time” can almost feel selfish, especially if you have a lot of obligations.
Or if someone asks for your help and you decline, you might feel guilty because you do want to help this person, but you don’t want to do what they’re requesting. Or worse, this person actually starts getting on you and saying things like, “I thought we were friends, etc.” (which might mean you should reread the section above.)
There’s a balance.
Sometimes in relationships, you have to do things that you don’t want to do—and I accept that. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to help someone else—I understand that.
I mean, if your child calls you and is in desperate need of help—but you want to relax and read a book—well then, umm, maybe you should put your “self-care” aside and do what you need to do.
So how do you toe the line?
First, understand the fact that you think you’re being selfish could be a huge sign you need more self-care and boundaries than you could’ve imagined. Because these false beliefs might be the reason why you’re struggling with your mental health in the first place.
Do you find yourself giving more of yourself away than you actually want?
Do you feel like you’re being crushed under the demands of others?
Do you struggle to say “no?”
If you do, you might be a “people pleaser,” always putting the needs of others ahead of you. You bend over backward to appease people, keep them happy, or have them maintain a “good” opinion of you.
Yet to rationalize that inner compulsion, you tell yourself that prioritizing yourself over others is “selfish.” (I am, of course, speaking from experience.)
But this causes far more problems than just a busy schedule.
“What’s wrong with striving to be perfect and good? Doesn’t that benefit everybody? From a social and interpersonal perspective, it’s wonderful, but it also engenders great internal anger. Though we may consciously want to be and do good, the narcissistic self does not have such an imperative. Indeed, it reacts with anger at the imposition. Add to this the unconscious anger at not being fully appreciated for our efforts and, worst of all, the anger at ourselves for not living up to our own expectations…
— Dr. John Sarno
Feelings of inadequacy and dependency lead to perfectionistic, people-pleasing, guilty-producing propensities. The self, like a child, reacts to the pressure. A circular process is at work here: The self stimulates personality traits that, in turn, anger the self.”
Until you uncover those truths, you won’t be able to break out of this negative cycle and regain your freedom. Instead, you’ll probably always be worried about being “selfish.” And even if you do carve out time for yourself, in the back of your mind, there’s going to be a nagging feeling that you could do so much more.
Do you have a deep-seated need to seek approval?
Do you frequently try to avoid confrontation?
The first step is to uncover those tendencies. Realize the pattern. Find out where it comes from.
Then, see how it affects your life. Because once you realize there’s a pattern, you can see how it manifests itself in many areas of your life. In fact, going back to the previous section, your pattern may actually—and unconsciously—cause you to surround yourself with people who take advantage of you.
Finally, address it. Otherwise, all your best “productivity hacks” and “meditation retreats” will only address the symptoms—feeling like you don’t have enough time or are always stressed—not the cause.
That was step one.
Second, reframe how you think about self-care.
Think of yourself like a fuel tank. Throughout each day, you’re giving away parts of yourself to other people—your energy, your focus, your attention, your love, your effort, your skills, etc.
It’s not a bad thing—it’s just the reality of living in our society.
But if you don’t do anything to refill and top up your tank, eventually, you’re going to run out of “yourself” to give. You’ll start to suffer, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
And when that happens, you—and the people you depend on—are going to suffer.
In this way, you can think of self-care as something you need in order to be less selfish! Because by prioritizing yourself, you can feel better, happier, more joyful, more rested, less stressed, less irritated, etc. The people around you are going to notice and they’re going to benefit.
But if you don’t do that, over time, you’ll feel more irritable, stressed, upset, agitated, annoyed, impatient, fatigued, etc. And as you would guess, the people around you are going to notice and they’re going to feel the negative effects.
So… in this case, is self-care selfish or not?
Of course not.
Start declining more things and setting aside time in your calendar to “do you.”
If you phrase things respectfully and politely, people are often a lot more understanding than you might think. (And if they’re not and they start criticizing or nagging you, again, reread the section above.)
Also, it helps to follow the golden rule.
Make sure that you don’t manipulate or corner people into doing what you want. Give them an out. Give them the option to say no. That way, when they agree to do those things, they don’t have bitterness or resentment lying underneath.
Also, that way, when you decline other people’s requests, you don’t project your own feelings onto other people. (In other words, if you would be upset in their shoes, you project those emotions onto the other person even if they don’t care.)
Last but not least, all of this takes practice.
Just like with learning how to drive a car or speaking a new language, the more often you do self-care, the more comfortable you will feel.
It’ll help to know that you probably will feel uncomfortable when you start prioritizing your self-care.
But understand that’s a part of the process.
And you’ll get used to it quickly.
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