One of the most common things I hear from people who struggle with conversation is that they “hate small talk.”
Personally, I love small talk. But I understand why a lot of people would dislike it.
It seems superficial. People don’t care 100% about the things that they talk about or about the things that you talk about. They’re just talking to talk.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
“How are you?”
“What’d you do last week?”
“Where are you going?”
It might feel like a waste of time or something you’d rather not do. But there’s a big reason why it’s super-valuable to master it.
Why Small Talk Is Big
Let me share the other side:
Small talk is actually very important. By not doing it, you actually miss out on a lot of opportunities, whether in social circles or even at the workplace.
I can’t tell you how many friends, events, and opportunities I’ve found just by having random chitchat with someone for just a few minutes. And by doing it regularly, you come across as someone who is fun and pleasant to be around, which boosts your social standing in any arena.
To me, this has nothing to do with being introverted or not. Introversion is more about how you prefer to re-energize in your own company as opposed to extroverts who prefer to re-energize in the company of others.
After all, I would consider myself more “introverted,” yet I love small talk—and I know other introverts who are the same—so it’s not mutually exclusive.
By the way, the whole thing about “introverted/extroverted” people is bullshit anyway:
“Personality” is far more nuanced and complex than an overly simplified generalization or category. It’s not an isolated trait uninfluenced by context, culture, behavior, and a thousand other factors. Of this, Dr. Katherine Rogers, a personality psychologist, said, “We know that personality doesn’t work in types. . . . I wouldn’t trust the Myers and Briggs to tell me any more about my personality than I would trust my horoscope… When you allow yourself to stop defining yourself as a certain “type,” such as “introvert” or “extrovert,” you become far more open. Your possibilities and choices expand. Your responsibility and agency increase. You can do what you want to do, regardless of how you currently see yourself.
—Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.
Often, the real reason why we hate small talk — and the reason we hate many things in life, actually — is simply because we’re not good at it.
Be honest. If you were good at small talk, you probably wouldn’t hate it. If anything, if you were socially savvy, you’d probably enjoy small talk because it gives you many opportunities.
Instead, reframe what small talk is.
First, think of it like an extended greeting.
It’s like a “hi, hello” on steroids. If a “smile and a wave” gives you a little jolt of energy and good feelings, small talk is like turning the volume dial to full blast.
Second, think of small talk as the door you have to walk through to get into “big talk.”
You’ve got to crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run. If you want to talk about complex, deep topics, you have to go through small talk first to build comfort and familiarity before you jump into talking about your deepest, most personal beliefs and experiences.
Now, I cannot stress this enough: I used to be terrible at small talk! Absolutely awful! In fact, I had very few social skills in general (and I didn’t have any role models around me to learn from). I struggled to talk to people I didn’t know and often felt awkward and embarrassed.
So, if I can learn how to do it, trust me, you can do it too.
Here are some basic principles and rules to guide you.
Start Small
No shit, right?
Well, I say that… but you’d be surprised.
A lot of people really don’t know how to do small talk. For example, when you ask them a simple question, they overshare, share too much, or share too little.
Overshare would be to give too much sensitive information. I don’t need to know about the time in second grade a bully made you eat a worm… within 10 seconds of saying hello to you.
I had a coworker like this once and, after a few times, anytime they said hello, I quickly found an excuse to leave because I just didn’t want to get sucked into her (graphic) life story.
I felt like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra!
— Gil Chesterton from “Frasier”
Sharing too much would be more about the quantity. You ask a simple question like, “How was your weekend?” and they tell you this five-minute-long story with no point. They’re extremely long-winded, which is the kiss of death.
It makes you seem like you’re self-absorbed and it also shows that you have zero social IQ. Once you get a reputation for that, no one’s going to want to talk to you anymore.
Instead, keep your answers short. 10 to 15 seconds at the most. If you’re going to talk about your weekend, just say, “It was great! I went to _____ and I had a lot of fun doing _____.”
Finally, sharing too little is probably the problem that most self-proclaimed introverts have because they don’t know what to say.
Person 1: “Did you have a good time?”
Person 2: “Yes…”
[awkward silence]
Person 1: “…ooookay then…”
For this, just share one or two details. “I like ____ because of _____ and _____.” Share your perspective.
And most important of all, if someone asks you a question, just ask them the same question right back. That way, you show that you have some interest in the other person and it also keeps the momentum going.
Talk About Safe Topics
Small talk is not the opportunity to talk about very intense, controversial, or heated topics.
“JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS. THE MOON LANDING WAS A HOAX. ELVIS IS STILL ALIVE.”
They didn’t ask and, frankly, they don’t give a fuck.
Talking about these topics will make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. Even if they agree with you, it’s a bit too “much” after someone just greeted you. (Plus, if you get into the habit of talking about controversial subjects, people are going to think you walk around town with a tinfoil hat.)
I’m not saying that you can’t talk about it, ever. I’m just saying that small talk is not the time for you to get on a soapbox. It’s just about greeting someone, making them feel better, and making yourself feel better.
It’s not about making yourself feel important and special. If anything, it’s about making the other person feel important and special.
For this, I highly recommend you stay with “safe topics.”
Safe topics are very general things that are easily accessible and common knowledge. For example, you can talk about the weather, sports, whatever movie or TV show is in vogue, events in the neighborhood (markets, fairs, store openings, etc.), weekend plans, travel, and gastronomy.
Build Comfort
Small talk is a very unique type of conversation.
For example, in Europe, people often think that Americans are “fake” because we smile and ask, “How are you?” even though we might not care 100% about the answer.
But to me, it’s not about being fake: It’s just a social custom. That’s it. For example, in Europe, you frequently kiss people on both cheeks. Does that mean they’re in love? Does that mean they’re extremely romantic?
No. It’s just a social custom.
So while small talk might not mean someone wants to invite you to Thanksgiving dinner immediately, it does give you an opportunity to build the foundation that may, one day, lead to you having a turkey leg with them.
And the way to do this is to build comfort, familiarity, and fun.
Small talk — particularly in its purest form, phatic communion — is a context in which language has a ritualistic quality. The communication of ideas or information is secondary, almost incidental; the speech is mainly meant to serve the purpose of social bonding. It asks and answers familiar questions, dwells of topics of reliable comity, and stresses fellow feeling rather than sources of disagreement.
—David Roberts [LINK]
Comfort can come from various ways. For example, comfort might just start with small talk, and then gradually move to deeper topics as you learn more about their worldview and become friends.
Comfort can also come from frequency.
For example, maybe you go to the same place a lot. The first time you see someone, you might just say “Hi, hello” and go on your merry way. Then, maybe the second time, you say a little bit more and the third time you say even more. By the fifth time, maybe you sit down and talk or you exchange information.
This often happens when you start a new job and meet your coworkers or you join a class and meet your classmates.
To build comfort, again, avoid strong opinions and disagreements. They’re just saying hi and trying to be friendly. There’s no need to be insulting. There’s no need to tell someone how much you hate sports and hate every professional athlete when they politely ask you, “Did you watch the game last night?”
Listen
A lot of people, when they have small talk, make it patently obvious and they do not give one shit about you. Whatever you say, they just reply with an indifferent, “Nice.”
Hell, you could say that you parked your car and, after you walked away, a falling piano crushed it into a pancake—they would still say, “Nice.”
That is not good small talk. It will never lead to anything more than just a very superficial situation (at best).
To avoid that, actually listen to what people say. When they talk about their activities or their hobbies, take an interest and remember what they say. Then, the next time you see them, bring up what you remember. It will make people feel valued.
They may not jump up and down asking, “How did you remember that?” Nevertheless, they will remember you. No matter how important the VIP, he or she senses a special kinship with the person who refers to other than their usual well-known accomplishments.
—Leil Lowndes
When you actually care about people, they can sense and feel that. They can see it in your face, they can see it in your posture, and they can hear it in your tone of voice.
And that adds to all the intangibles that create a great interaction and relationship.
Take Risks
At a certain point, if you want to start building a real connection and relationship, you need to take conversational risks.
Taking risks doesn’t mean that you overshare or talk about controversial topics. It means that you’re willing to put yourself out there by asking a bolder question or sharing a little bit more information about yourself.
Again, use common sense. You don’t want to talk about disgusting or graphic things. But talk a little bit about your dreams. Talk about your emotions. Ask them about their motivations. Ask them about how they felt. Ask them questions that make them think.
“I moved from [city] to [city].”
“What inspired that/What do you miss most/etc.?”
By taking risks, it helps you move from superficial-level conversations to deeper ones.
Chances are, it’s going to be your responsibility to make a conversation go from small talk to deep talk. Sure, it’s nice when the other person knows what they’re doing, but generally, you’re going to have to lead the interaction.
And that’s yet another reason why knowing small talk is so valuable.
Because when you know how to do it, other people will feel safe and comfortable around you because they know you will take the interaction somewhere meaningful.
I hope all of these steps help.
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