This is Week Two and Week Three of my one month Tinder experiment.

Here are my results from Week One.

Now, these two weeks were tricky because I left for Portland on Wednesday and didn’t come back until Tuesday night. But never fear because I had a plan: I would try Tinder in Portland with the exact same profile and stop once I hit 100 right swipes. Then, I would see how many matches I got and compare it to Denver.

Alright… so how did I do?

After EXACTLY 100 right swipes in Portland, I got exactly ONE match.

ONE.

That’s a 1% percent hit rate.

Woooo… this is going to be a LONG fucking month.

That brings my total number of matches this month to three. (Truthfully, I actually got TWO matches in Portlandia, but one match didn’t count because a friend right-swiped a girl I didn’t like.) Also, once I got back to Denver for the second-half of Week Three, I still have zero matches.

So that does that mean?

Nothing really. Mathematically speaking, I did better in Portland than in Denver, but the difference was so small that it wasn’t statistically significant.

Yet I should’ve expected similar results: Denver is the Portland of the Rockies.

How were Portland girls on Tinder?

The profiles were more or less the same. Shit, the demographics were almost identical. (Mostly White with a smattering of Asians, Blacks, and Hispanics.)

Also, for as much as women complain about male profiles, a lot of girls had ZERO description on their profile or just said hilariously bad shit.

The only difference was, instead of having a lot of CU or DU graduates, most girls were from Oregon or Oregon State.

“What about that one PDX Tinder match?”

Nothing happened out of it. A few texts, some bad jokes, and some fluff — you know, typical Tinder messaging.

She didn’t say much, but whatever. I was having too much fun at the World Domination Summit to care. (Shout-out to Jessica Lawlor who actually wrote one of my messages.)

“Y U NO MATCHES?!”

Sometimes I hear guys talk about how they average double-digit matches per week.

Well, from my perspective, I doubt that’ll be possible because I’m still hitless since my return to the Denver lineup. (That’s another baseball reference, folks.) Unless, like, I swipe a thousand times per week.

My profile is about as good as it’s going to get at the moment because (1) I already got feedback from a professional, (2) I don’t have many better pictures I can pick, and (3) there’s a marginal improvement that every iteration makes.

I also borrowed a girl’s Tinder and played around for a bit. Compared to other Denver area guys, I think I’m doing quite alright thankyouverymuch.

I still feel weird doing online dating. Especially on Tinder because it’s so gamified — I feel detached from the outcome.

There’s also a certain danger from having all these options: it makes us unreasonably picky.

Sample Guy: “Oh, she’s 32? I want to date 30 and younger. No thanks.”

Fuck off. If this was 1973, you’d feel excited to have this girl — you wouldn’t even know her age until months later.

And what about the dreaded, “I just didn’t feel a connection?”

As a professor from the London School of Economics wrote:

There is a kind of irony in online dating in that courtship and romantic love are profoundly physical experiences that manifest with symptoms including sweaty palms, reddened cheeks or tied tongues; but internet dating, owing to its virtual nature, is utterly disembodying.

Would less options and removing the online cloak increase our odds for “a connection?” That, I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised: connections are so ineffable (and ridiculous, at times) so I’ll just leave it at that.

Pop Quiz: Does online dating take the fun out of REAL dating?

I found an interesting topic on this Reddit post:

Not only has Tinder allowed us to base our dating preferences solely on physical appearance, but it has also instilled a sense of urgency when it comes to pursuing your match. For example, I currently have 154 matches and although I am only talking to, say, three people, if one of them suddenly exhibits a flaw that I find unsuitable, I can merely move onto the next one. It is not uncommon to have more than one back-burner, as I like to call them, and it is inherently effortless to merely block someone once you decide that their 98% approval rating is not up to your standards.

If I like someone; they have a great sense of humor, they are intelligent and poignant, good looking, fun, BUT they don’t quite meet my height-requirement, then there might just be someone else that does. You read correctly, a height-requirement. What happened to meeting someone in “real life” and being attracted to them entirely? Suddenly we have all these stipulations that have to be met in order for us to consider an in-person encounter. [emphasis added]

To be fair, it’s not just Tinder; it’s most online dating sites. Effectively, we’re all looking at different people’s resumes.

Oh and did anyone else notice she got ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKING FOUR MATCHES?!

Holy fuck, Batman!

Most guys don’t even randomly talk to that many attractive women in their lifetime!

To strike up decent conversations with 154 attractive, random women would take me at least half a year. (I also wouldn’t be able to compare ALL 154 OF THEM side-by-side.) If I did THAT, there would be another caveat:

Meeting women in real life makes each girl matter more (so to speak) because of (1) the work I had to put in and (2) the initial connection.

It’s actually really fun to meet a girl randomly, build a connection, and get her number. Especially in public with a bunch of jealous guys watching. (Guys, don’t pretend like you don’t walk away with dat strut.)

 

 

And then, to go on an actual date after calling her on the phone — oh rapture, the phone! — and doing something together that’s a lot of fun. And let’s no forget about all that playful awkwardness: to hold hands or not? Should I do the arm-crook thing? When should I put my arm over her shoulder?

And, of course, when to kiss.

It makes you feel like a fucking wimpy teenager again.

So while it’s hard to have that with online dating, I would say to the dudes out there (who use online dating) that the “secret sauce” is to DO BOTH. Blend in-person with online. That way, you keep your senses sharp and keep one foot in a little thing I like to call, “Reality.”

“So Anthony, did you meet any girls in Portland?”

I mean, I met a lot of PEOPLE in Portland — guys and gals — but not in a sexual way.

Interestingly enough, on the Friday of the event, I went to a World Domination Summit meetup called “Sexy Singles.” Upon arrival, I realized that (1) there weren’t many sexy singles, (2) it was extremely awkward, and (3) I had to get the hell out of there.

I did make one good approach on Monday: a cute blonde girl at a coffee shop in Downtown Portland. Unfortunately, a good conversation and flirty glances was a good as it was going to get. It wasn’t like I was going to walk to a park and make out with a girl I just met, right?

Next Steps

T-MINUS ONE MORE WEEK!!

Now that I’m back to Denver, I plan to continue swiping like crazy.

I might also have a story to tell of an actual Tinder date. That’s right. I said “ACTUAL Tinder date” — with a human female and everything!

No date has been set yet, but I promise I won’t go “Tucker Max” or anything bad.

Just something simple… until I take out a notepad and make things super awkward by interviewing her about her Tinder experiences.