Is It Okay to Still Be Upset About the Pandemic?

Lately, I’ve talked to a number of people who’ve told me about how great the pandemic has been for them.

They tell me how they were able to do all these amazing things during the pandemic and how it benefited their work, business, life, and more. They talk about how much they enjoy this new world of sitting inside, working remotely, and not being around people.

And even if you look online, some articles seem to preach that we should find gratitude, peace, and acceptance—as if we shouldn’t be upset anymore.

But I’m still not there yet.

Sure, I’m grateful for many things and I’m thankful that I’ve been somewhat okay during this situation. And sure, I aspire to completely accept this new “normal.” But my life, goals, and journey have been heavily impacted by the pandemic—and it still brings me down from time to time.

What Happened During The Pandemic

At the start of the pandemic, I lost all of my vendor contracts, and to this day, none of them have come back. Relationships that I’ve had for 2+ years have all disappeared and it forced me to take a massive detour and redefine my business and what I wanted to achieve.

Meanwhile, I left the US in 2019 to travel through Europe while working remotely. But because every country closed its borders at the start of the pandemic—and kept them closed to US citizens for many months afterward—I was stuck in the country I was visiting at the time (Albania), which was an awful experience.

Even now, rapidly evolving travel restrictions (that change from week to week) have made it extremely difficult to travel or plan ahead for long-term stays. In fact, as an American, I’m often subject to whatever rules a country has against US citizens despite not being in America for 2+ years. (And since COVID-19 is “more American than apple pie” these days, I constantly find myself on the wrong end of those restrictions.)

Then, this year, I went to Serbia, but due to complications with the vaccination rollout (completely beyond my control), I ended up spending $500 to get fully vaccinated. (That was one hell of a story, by the way.) Yet two months later, I found out that my vaccine was not approved by the EU because that particular batch was manufactured in India. As a result, my digital green certificate (or COVID-19 passport) was rendered useless.

Why I’m Still Not Okay

Yes, I was able to use the pandemic for some growth: I did therapy to address my low self-esteem, I worked on my body to fix a lot of nagging injuries, I read a lot of profound books, and I began writing on Medium.

And yes, in the grand scheme of things, I’m still grateful that I’m relatively healthy and safe. I wasn’t incapacitated from the virus, and thankfully, I don’t know anyone who lost their life due to COVID-19.

But I still have my days where I feel downright mad. Mad about this pandemic. Mad about the countries who allowed this virus to become what it became. Mad about the lifestyle that we lost and may never regain.

And from time to time—even though it doesn’t help—I still wish that we could go back to the way it was: It wasn’t perfect, but it sure as hell was a lot better than what we have now.

For example, I miss being around people, and I miss seeing people’s faces without masks. Whenever I watch videos made before 2020 on YouTube, I long for the days when people could just talk face-to-face and not worry about catching a virus.

I miss being able to buy a plane ticket and go to a country—and that’s it! I don’t need an (expensive) PCR test. (I also don’t need to find a PCR testing site, which is difficult in some cities in the world.) I don’t need to worry about the results of said PCR test. I don’t need to check the status of my country and see if it’s Green/Yellow/Red/etc. I don’t need to see if my destination country is allowing US citizens, how many hours before arrival I need my COVID-19 test, what vaccines they’re accepting, and how it changes from week to week.

All I had to do was show my passport and walk right in.

I miss not having to wonder if people are staring at me because they hate me. As an Asian-American, I tend to get a lot of stares because locals automatically think I’m Chinese. (And yes, I have been insulted several times because of virus-related racism.) Granted, it wasn’t great traveling as an Asian-looking person in Europe before the pandemic… but now? I have no idea what to expect.

I miss not being constantly bombarded by the news, total cases, total deaths, new variants (who comes up with these names, by the way?), vaccine debates, fear-mongering, and all kinds of everchanging shit I couldn’t control even if I wanted to.

I miss not having to think about lockdowns where I can’t go to certain places anymore, I can’t do certain things anymore, or I can’t even go outside. (Or constantly having to check the news to learn about new restrictions.) And again, these lockdowns are completely outside of my control: Even though I’ve been vaccinated and I take care of myself, if a lot of people get sick, the government makes everyone pay the price.

So I say all this to ask:

Is it okay to still not be okay?

I feel like a lot of people talk about how they found wonderful experiences and growth because of COVID-19. But to say they like this world more than the previous world, to me, does a little injustice to the millions of people who have died from this pandemic, lost their way of life, and lost their personal freedoms.

My life—as well as millions and millions of other people’s lives—has been completely altered by this virus. And while I assure you that I’m doing my very best to build a new life, I still can’t help but think about the life that was taken away from me for no reason of my own.

That’s why I believe it is okay to still be upset.

The reason why I’m writing this article is for the people who feel that they cannot be mad—for the people who feel that they aren’t allowed to be upset. For the people who feel they have to “move on,” put on a smiling face, and think about how awesome their life is now.

It’s okay to not be okay.

If you’re mad, be mad. If you’re upset, be upset. Even now, I still have my good days and my bad days. But when I have my bad days, I don’t get mad at myself for having a bad day—I don’t tell myself that I “shouldn’t feel this way,” that I should “just stay positive,” or that “people have it worse.”

I could be completely wrong, but I actually think it’s healthy to allow myself to feel upset because, that way, I’m actually releasing my feelings instead of bottling them up and repressing them.

As long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, let it out. Have compassion for yourself and be your own best friend.

The funny thing is when I let myself feel bad, the feeling passes a lot faster than if I fought it.

Maybe in the future you’ll get there, but don’t force it.

Until then, be there for yourself.

I hope this helps.