We all want to help people.
Whether it’s with their career, health, money, or relationships, when people come to us for advice, critiques, or assistance, we want to roll up our sleeves and help them succeed.
The sad truth, however, is that many people, despite what they say, don’t actually want our help. Worse, if you do try to give sincere feedback, solutions, assistance, etc., you’ll actually make things worse and create more arguments and problems.
And this probably happens far more often than you think.
And by learning how to recognize when you should tell the truth versus when you should bite your tongue (or give vague platitudes and change the subject), you will do wonders for your mental health.
You’ll avoid these quicksand traps of life. You’ll avoid situations where people ask you for “help” yet argue and ignore you. And best of all, you’ll avoid needless stress and protect your mental health and peace of mind from people who mean well but don’t have those same intentions.
I’ll explain why this happens at all and I’ll share several common signs of when to avoid giving help. They might be hard to notice at first — or you might have overlooked these — but the sooner you can learn them, the better.
First, The Simple Truth You Must Understand
Many people ask for your opinion, advice, thoughts, critiques, etc., but when you give it, they get mad, upset, or argue. Why? Let’s use a real example.
Recently, someone emailed me for help with their social skills. I asked a few follow-up questions to learn about their situation and then I offered a few super simple suggestions.
They rejected all of them.
They make all kinds of ridiculous excuses about why they wouldn’t work for him and then backpedaled faster than an NFL defensive back and made it seem that his social life was, suddenly, great.
So then, uh, why ask for help?
Simple: Often, when people ask for help or advice, they’re not really asking for help—they just want assurance. They just want confirmation that they’re doing it right and that their way is, indeed, the best way.
And if what you say doesn’t confirm what they believe, you might set off a firestorm you never wanted in the first place.
Obviously, you shouldn’t be mean or insult their opinion. (That goes without saying.) But if you respectfully, kindly, and sincerely answer their question and it still turns into an argument, that’s a damn good sign you need to eject.
Before you try to help someone, learn when you’re about to get into a quagmire so you can avoid it. Here are some common triggers that you should avoid helping people or giving helpful feedback.
Talking About Health and Fitness
Whenever someone asks for your advice on anything related to health and fitness (“How do you stay so lean? What do you think about ____ diet or workout?”), pay attention closely:
Do not give your advice.
Just say something like, “Keep doing what you’re doing” and then change the subject. (Or run away while screaming and flailing your arms.)
That, by the way, is a decade of real-world experience talking. Even after being a fitness expert for top magazines, working with professional athletes, and helping people of all backgrounds make tremendous progress with their bodies, when people ask for my advice, nine times out of nine, they don’t want to hear it.
They reject it. They fight it. They argue it. They’ll think that they know more about fitness than someone who dedicated their entire lives to it. (Or they’ll nod their head, say “mm-hmm,” and then continue doing what they’ve been doing and getting no results.)
So why do they ask in the first place? Why do people ask, “What do you think of the ____ diet?” Simple. Because they’re doing that diet (or thinking of doing it) and they just want me to tell them it’s a good diet and they should keep doing it. Again, they just want someone to confirm what they already believe.
The problem with health and fitness is that it’s extremely personal and everything works (to an extent). Anyone who lost 15 pounds suddenly thinks they’re an expert. Anyone who’s “in shape” thinks they’re qualified to give advice.
Thus, the fitness industry gets saturated with people who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, yet have amassed these huge followings because they look hot, they are trendy, they’re gimmicky, etc. (This, by the way, is a huge reason I retired from personal training and never looked back.)
Other times, people are just looking for an argument. Sometimes, people ask me about fitness stuff, but then they’ll read a contradicting article and then come back to me and say, “Well, what about this?”
Look, I’m cool with being wrong, but it’s their psychology that’s the issue. Clearly, they have a need to poke holes in everything. (If it’s not me, it’ll be someone else.) So rather than waste my time and mental energy arguing with someone who’ll never listen, I’d rather keep my peace of mind.
And that’s what I’m encouraging to you.
(By the way, the only exception to this is when they pay you for your advice.)
When They’re Being Emotional
This is important life advice from your good friend, Anthony. If something just happened to someone and they’re very emotional, upset, sad, angry, etc. and they ask you for advice, I cannot stress this enough: That is not the time to give advice.
Even if they beg you for advice—for the love of all that is good—never give it.
The only thing you should do is keep your opinions to yourself. Comfort them. Empathize with them. Listen to them. Ask nonjudgmental questions. Ask what you can do to help. Be there for them. That is the only thing you should do in those moments.
Because nothing will fuck things up more than trying to help them when their emotions are very raw.
When They Respond With “But”
There are some people who ask for advice, yet every time you tell them something or give suggestions based on what they’re saying, they always have a “but.”
Yeah, I see what you’re saying… but what about this? But what about that? But I can’t do that because of ____. But I have a _____ problem.
Many people would see these responses as a reason to keep giving more and more suggestions until you find something that works for them.
But it’s a lost cause.
Hearing a ton of “but’s” (kind of like Bart Simpson) is proof they’re not really looking for a solution; they just want to complain. They just want attention and/or pity. They just want someone to “help” them even though they, realistically, have no intention of changing or improving their situation. (It sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.)
Every now and then (depending on the situation and how well I know this person), when someone keeps replying with “but, but, but,” I gently say something like, “I want to help you, but have you noticed you’ve rejected or made an excuse to everything I’ve suggested? I’m not trying to pick on you, but maybe you should look at your own psychology and see what’s going on.”
(This, by the way, makes me very popular at parties.)
Tying it back to the earlier example of someone asking me for advice on social skills, I told them something similar and I never heard back. (Which doesn’t surprise me.)
In the words of David Goggins, “I’d rather you hate me and get better than like me and stay the same.” And knowing the signs of this trap, I can avoid situations that suck so many people down a frustrating rabbit hole.
Past Performance
The best predictor of future performances is past performance. (Keep in mind: It’s not always accurate, but it’s the best predictor we have.) So, if someone has rejected your advice consistently in the past, they’ll probably do it in the future.
Obviously, that’s not always the case and there are many exceptions—but it’s a decent indicator. And if you think this sounds defeatist or negative, listen:
I never said, “Don’t help people when they ask for help;” I’m saying recognize who will listen and who won’t. As I explained, many people ask for help, but it’s just a trap.
Yet I know many people who, if they ask for honest feedback, they’ll listen (and vice versa). But they built that track record. So if that history doesn’t exist, be very careful.
Sure, something might change and they’ll suddenly become open to the input that they asked for; but tread carefully. Because it’s not just their life that’s at stake; if you get entangled in their problems with your advice, you can make things worse for yourself and you need to keep yourself safe.
Just like on a plane, you must put your mask on first.
And that’s how you protect your mental health.
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